


An Unplanned Vacation

by DangerousCommieSubversive



Series: Our Bright, Disturbing Multiverse [1]
Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Avengers discover fanfiction, Gen, Loki Does What He Wants, Parallel Universes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-02
Updated: 2012-10-08
Packaged: 2017-11-15 11:56:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 26,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/527049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DangerousCommieSubversive/pseuds/DangerousCommieSubversive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A mission to capture Loki goes awry when the Hulk tosses him into a power line mid-spell, leaving the Avengers and their (current) greatest foe relatively unharmed but stranded in an alternate dimension. Where they're...comic book characters?</p><p>Features the Avengers discovering Avengers fanfiction, Loki doing whatever the hell he wants, and a short, angry lesbian who thinks for some reason that Tony Stark is a god.</p><p>Story is complete and will update daily! (I know I said weekly, but I've reconsidered.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Getting There Is Half The Fun

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, everybody, and welcome to my first story on AO3! I've written fanfiction before, but I haven't been back in the game in some time (like, almost eight years). This story is complete and fully beta-read and will update weekly, most likely on Mondays.
> 
> UPDATE: Having pondered the structure of the story, I've decided to update daily instead, as it follows a pretty strict one day per chapter pace.

Loki's escape from the prisons of Asgard was something they should have all been expecting. He didn't want to rule the Earth any more, which was a relief, but he did now seem dedicated to hassling the Avengers and making Thor miserable. Which they also should have expected, especially as according to Thor's stories, Loki's mischief-making had pretty much always been of the “smash something breakable” variety. He didn't go for mundane pranks—or rather, he frequently did, but always in situations where they could cause a lot of damage.

On the occasion which starts our story, the Avengers had tracked him to a smallish but almost offensively wealthy town in upstate New York, where he was using some particularly weird, poltergeist-y teleportation tricks to make the lives of the more pompous inhabitants hell. SHIELD had evacuated the area, and Natasha parked the Quinjet in a cleared parking lot convenient to the town square, to which they walked. Thor landed beside them a moment later, and Tony hovered overhead, rolling his neck to loosen the joints of his shiny new Mark XII suit.

A strangely omni-directional mad cackling alerted them to Loki's approach, but they all had to resist starting when he appeared, perched precariously on top of a lamppost. “Avengers! Did you come to see the show?”

Steve stepped forward. “What's your game here, Loki? Why are you bothering these people?”

“My game?” Loki tilted his head to one side quizzically. “As if I have to have a reason for doing what I do. I thought it was funny, that's why. I'm honestly disappointed in you, Captain, I thought you knew that by now.”

“Don't be a dick and we won't have to hurt you, Loki.” Tony jetted a little closer to the lamppost Loki was on, and the god shimmered and reappeared farther away, on top of a statue in the middle of an ornamental fountain. “You know we always win. Why do you even bother?”

“See previous statement? Your frustration delights me.” The air shimmered around him again and a slingshot appeared in his hand, already loaded with what looked like a thumbtack. He fired it at Bruce with his usual pinpoint accuracy and struck the back of the scientist's hand just as he reached up to adjust his glasses.

At that point, of course, the fight started.

At first it was mostly standard fare. Widow did her whole terrifying ninja badass thing, Thor dropped Hawkeye on the top of a nearby building with bow already in hand and then dove for his brother hammer-first, Steve and Tony covered ground and close air support, and the Hulk smashed, as he always did. Loki continued to teleport around the square, hurling debris, magic, and invective at them in equal quantities as they made a valiant attempt to chip away at his defenses.

Then the Hulk got in a lucky hit, as he always did eventually, while Loki was in the middle of casting another, apparently more elaborate teleportation spell. The god went flying up and across the square and struck a power line, and there was a wholly unexpected and uncharacteristic explosion.

When the green smoke and golden flames cleared a few moments later, the SHIELD agents who had been observing the battle from the helicarrier were horrified to see that both Loki and all the Avengers were gone.

 

\--

 

They woke slowly, in a heap, groaning, and Clint was as always the first to speak. “Ok, so, what the fuck just happened?”

“Clint, language.”

Clint rolled off the pile and to his feet. “Really, Cap? We were just in an explosion and woke up all stacked up and all you can say is 'language'? I don't even get you. So let me rephrase: what the _heck,_ ” and he twitched at the neutered phrasing, “just happened?”

The others picked themselves up slowly, wincing, Tony pausing a moment to pop a small dent out of the left elbow joint of his suit, Steve tossing the extremely disheveled Bruce a spare set of clothes from a duffel bag, and looked around for Loki, who was...

...on the ground, at the bottom of the pile, covered in scuff marks and looking extremely uncomfortable with the entire situation. He raised a hand and gestured as he always previously had when teleporting, and did not go anywhere, which clearly made him even more uncomfortable. The Avengers glanced at each other and came to a silent agreement, and then Natasha set one spike-heeled boot lightly in the center of Loki's chest. “Loki, where are we?”

He stared at her for a few seconds before saying, “You know, I'm not entirely sure. And that explosion seems to have drained me of magic entirely. ...truce?”

The others glanced at each other again, and then Natasha nodded and hauled Loki to his feet with a little more roughness than was strictly necessary.

The place they were in didn't look very different from the place they'd just left—the central square of a small, wealthy town on a hot and lazy summer afternoon. The buildings were actually inhabited, though, although nobody was out walking or driving, or even apparently looking out the windows. They were the same buildings as in the town they'd just left, but in subtly different colors, with different signs, and the statue in this ornamental foundation was of a hard-faced woman instead of a hard-faced man.

Tony rolled his neck again and took off his helmet. “Well, if nobody else has any brilliant ideas, I know where I'm going to go to find out where we are.”

“Really?” Bruce looked up from cleaning the dust off his glasses. “Where?”

“Over there.” Tony jerked a thumb at the diner across the square, where through the window they could see a single bored-looking waitress wiping down table after empty table. “You want to find out what's going on in a town like this, ask a waitress. They always have all the news.”

“Good thinking.” Steve nodded, that sharp soldier's nod, and started heading across the street, and they all followed, Loki trailing behind like an extremely dusty dog.

 

\--

 

The waitress only barely looked up when the bell on the diner door rang. “Welcome to the Running River Diner, please sit wherever you'd like and I'll be with you in a moment.”

The visitors creaked across the diner floor and stopped by the table she was wiping down. “Actually, ma'am, we're a little lost. We wanted to ask you a couple of questions.”

She looked over.

Steve smiled down at her from under his mask and saw her brow wrinkle in confusion. “Are you...cosplayers? Is there a convention nearby?”

He frowned. “Tony? Translation, please?”

Behind him Clint snorted, and Tony shook his head. “People who dress up as cartoon characters for fun.”

“Thank you, Tony. No, ma'am, we're not cosplayers. I'm Captain America. We've had...sort of an accident, and we need to know where we are.”

She continued to peer at him intently for a moment. “The next movie isn't due to start filming yet, and...” she leaned to one side to look at the others. Her eyes flicked from one to the next, getting wider and wider, until finally it seemed like she couldn't take it anymore and she looked back up at Steve. The changes in her face were extraordinary. She turned bright red, and after she had gone completely red she went very pale and began to shake, until finally her legs gave out altogether and she fell to her knees on the floor.

At the back of the group Loki cried, “Finally! A good example!” and was promptly punched in the arm by Clint.

Steve, meanwhile, had done the reasonable and considerate thing and helped the waitress into the nearest booth, where she sat for a moment, breathing heavily, and then said, “Oh god, I'm going crazy.”

At this point Bruce shouldered his way through the group and rested two fingers on her wrist to take her pulse, smiling in what he hoped was a soothing way. “I assure you, miss, you're not going crazy. I know this whole situation is a little strange--”

“No, you don't understand. Here, hold on a second.” She dug in the pocket of her apron and produced a smartphone, and after a moment or two of tapping she held it out for them to see. “I must be crazy, right?”

The image on the screen was a movie poster, for some big-budget summer action movie, lots of people in costumes posing or brandishing weapons and looking at something just out of sight. Bruce inspected it for a moment and then laughed in faint disbelief. “Guys. Look at this.”

The others crowded around to look at the picture on the phone, slowly freezing in shock as they realized that the people on the poster were them, and that this big-budget summer action movie was apparently titled _The Avengers_. Loki finally broke the silence by interjecting, “Why am I not pictured?” and was punched in the arm by Clint again while the waitress pulled up a screenshot of him.

“Fair lady, what you have shown us is extremely puzzling.” Thor's voice was slightly too loud for the situation, and it cut across the faint clattering from the kitchen like a loudspeaker. “Friends...brother...I suggest that we order food. I require an explanation. And eggs. Preferably with ham.”

Tony shook his head in disbelief. “Yeah, I...look, uh,” he looked at the waitress' nametag, “Shelly. We're going to need at least three fresh pots of coffee. Possibly more. And then I think we'd like to ask you a few questions.”

“Um, sure.” The waitress stood up shakily. “Uh, lemme go grab one of the little tables and some chairs so you can all sit. There are menus on the table there, with the salt and pepper.”

 

\--

 

The table was soon laden with so much food that the cook actually came out of the kitchen to see who was ordering it, saw the group of people in costume, and immediately spun on his heel and went back to his prep counter, muttering something about “goddamn out-of-towners.” Once everyone had been served, Shelly the waitress perched herself on a stool at the counter across from them. “So. Assuming I'm not crazy--”

“You're not crazy,” said Bruce around a mouthful of toast.

“-- _assuming_ I'm not crazy, you all had some kind of accident and ended up here?”

Steve nodded, carefully swallowing his mouthful before he spoke. “That's correct, ma'am.”

“Shelly, please. I don't think I can handle being called 'ma'am' by Captain America.”

“All right then. That's correct, Shelly.”

“And you want to know where you are.”

“Exactly.”

“...ok. Well, you're in the town of Flashkill, Duchess County, New York. Year is 2012, and it's, um, Wednesday, sort of three-thirtyish.”

Natasha glanced at her watch. “Three thirty-four. So we're in the same town and time zone we were in before, but we seem to have entered a different universe.”

“How did you get here?”

As a one, the Avengers all looked over at Loki, wedged into a corner of the booth next to his brother. He pointedly ignored them in favor of his double order of salmon kedgeree.

“ _Oh._ Do you know what he did?”

“Actually, it was me.” Bruce waved his fork at her. “I threw him into a power line while he was trying to teleport and there was an explosion.”

“Which probably completely scrambled his magic somehow so now he can't get you back home. So you're here. In this universe.”

“Yes.”

“Where you are, just so I can be absolutely clear about this, _fictional_. You...I mean, you guys are comic book characters. You're made up. Well, I mean, Thor and Loki are mythological, they might not be made up completely, but the comics versions _definitely_ are.”

“That's right. Can I see your phone again?” Tony had been playing with his own, which wasn't apparently getting any signal. Shelly the waitress handed him her smartphone. “What brand is this?”

“It's an iPhone. From Apple. It's, like, the most popular smartphone in the world. Don't you have them where you're from?”

“Nope. All Stark Tech. This is cute, though. A little primitive. Did you say Apple? I'm pretty sure I own them. One of those start-ups Obie was so keen on eating up in the eighties.” He pulled up the browser and spent a few moments happily tapping away, pulling up pictures right and left of comic books and movies about him. “This is all pretty weird. How much do you know about this stuff?”

“Some.” Shelly the waitress shrugged. “I'm not a big comics girl, but my best friend's a fan, and I'm living with her right now, so I get to hear a lot about it.”

“Why don't you tell us more about it while we're eating.”

She started with a description of the major comic book companies and continued from there, answering questions when she could, which was only about thirty percent of the time. The discussion got off the topic of the Avengers pretty quickly, moving on to other heroes, other villains, and at one point a lengthy but often-faltering explanation of crossover events. By the time she'd gotten to explaining the X-Men, everyone was thoroughly confused about at least one thing, and they were all done eating. Tony produced a credit card from an arm compartment on his Iron man suit. “Put it on this. I'll make SHIELD reimburse me.”

Shelly nodded and hurried over to the register, only to come back a moment later looking embarrassed. “Um. Your card wasn't accepted.”

“What? ...oh, right. Shit. My account wouldn't exist here.”

He took his card back, pulled a roll of money out of the same arm compartment, and handed that to her instead. She began to count it and then paused, staring with puzzlement at one of the bills. “I, um, I actually can't take this either.”

“Why not?”

“Look.” She laid one of his ten dollar bills out on the table, and then dug another one out of the pocket on her apron and laid it down too, so they could compare the two. The head of Alexander Hamilton faced to the right on Tony's, as it always had, but on the bill Shelly had gotten out it faced to the left. Shelly's bill also looked plainer, somehow, and he realized suddenly that it was without many of the tiny security details that he was used to seeing on his. She gave them all a moment to take the differences in and then put her ten away and handed Tony his money back. “Don't worry about it. I'll pay for you myself for now; my shift is almost over.” Before any of them could protest she headed back over to the register as another women in diner uniform came in and stowed her purse and coat under the counter. “Hey, Audrey. I've got some friends visiting and I'm buying them lunch, can you ring me?”

The other waitress nodded, and from their table the Avengers could hear her murmur, quietly, “Hey yourself, Coppertop. Is there a convention nearby or something?”

“Friends of mine from summer stock. They're doing a parody thing. Just got out of rehearsal”

“Well, they're certainly healthy eaters. Good thing you get a discount, honey. You gonna hang out and eat something yourself?”

“Nah, I gotta get them back to the house. They haven't met Carol yet.”

“I see.” The other waitress finished ringing Shelly up and then wrote something down on an extra piece of receipt tape. “Well, the one with the cape is a dish and a half. Give him my number, ok?”

Shelly, who was already digging around for her own coat and handbag, laughed. “Will do.”

When she got back over to the table she passed the slip of paper to Thor. “Audrey thinks you're cute.”

Thor glanced over at the other waitress, who winked and waved at him. He beamed affably. Loki snorted, and Clint kicked him under the table, causing him to wince and drop the forkload of leftover salmon he had been about to catapult into Natasha's hair.

“Anyway, if your cards and money aren't working then you're not going to be able to get a hotel.”

“True. Thank you very much for the lunch, by the way.” Steve frowned thoughtfully. “Do you have any suggestions as to where we might be able to find a room?”

“Well...” She blushed. “I'm staying with my friend Carol right now at her house-sitting gig. It's got tons of rooms, and the owners won't be back for another two months—they're in Switzerland. You could come stay with us while you figure out how to get home.”

“Oh, we couldn't possibly—ow!”

Natasha smiled at Shelly. “We'd love to, Shelly.”

“Ok, great. Just let me call Carol so I can warn her that I'm bringing guests.”

 

\--

 

The house in which Shelly was staying was genuinely enormous, a three-story Colonial mansion surrounded by sprawling grounds and with a manicured garden in front. The Avengers in the car couldn't help but stare, and above the car Tony and Thor slowed slightly to take in the view. The only one who seemed unimpressed was Loki, who was squeezed into the middle of the back seat between Steve on one side and Clint, with Natasha on his lap, on the other, and looked none too pleased about it.

Bruce leaned forward slightly in the front seat. “Your friend lives here?”

“For the moment, yeah. She's house-sitting. She does a whole yearly rotation, moves from house to house. A lot of paranoid rich people live around here, and they don't like leaving their fancy mansions empty while they're off in wherever making business deals, so they pay Carol to stay here and make sure things stay clean, pipes don't freeze...stuff like that. They cover all her food expenses too. It's pretty cool. She has another part-time job, at a bookstore off Main Street, but that's pretty much just for fun money.”

“Well, I can see why you said there'd be space. I'll try to keep the Other Guy under control while we're here. Wouldn't want to mess up your friend's job.”

They pulled into a small side lot next to a bicycle with a large rear basket and a noticeably battered minivan with a license plate that read “WIZZARD” and somehow managed to extract themselves from the confines of Shelly's tiny car. Thor and Tony touched down next to them, Thor booming out, “Brother! I trust the ride was enjoyable?”

Loki ignored him.

“Brother, you will need to start talking at some point. As long as you are here under a flag of truce these people are your friends?”

Loki remained silent. Clint aimed a punch at him anyway, just for good measure, but pulled up short at Thor's sulfurous frown. Shelly shut the car but didn't lock it and beckoned to them. “Come on, let's go in.”

They stepped through the front door of the mansion and were met with the sight of a lavishly furnished front hall and the faint sound of rock music from another room.

Shelly pulled off her shoes and gestured with one. “Shoes on the shelf over there, guys. Carol will kill us if we scuff the floor.”

Steve nodded. “Of course.”

As they were pulling off various boots and shoes and Steve was helping Tony with the manual release catches on his armor, Shelly dropped her purse onto a Montgolfier chair, draped her coat over it and slid her shoes underneath, cupped her hands around her mouth, and hollered, “HEY, CAROL! I BROUGHT PEOPLE!”

The faint music stopped, and a cheerful voice from the other room replied, “SHOUTING'S RUDE, ASSHOLE!” This was followed by the sound of pounding feet, and a rather short woman, presumably Carol, appeared from a doorway down the hall. She was wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt and sweatpants, and she charged toward Shelly in her stocking feet until she was close enough to see the others properly, at which point she stopped abruptly and actually skidded to a halt, staring. “Ok, Shelly, what...”

“So. Yeah. Carol, these are my guests.” She gestured as she named each one. “Captain Steve Rogers, Dr. Bruce Banner, Tony Stark, Agents Natasha Romanov and Clint Barton, Thor Odinsson, and Loki...” she glanced at him questioningly.

“Just Loki will be sufficient.” Loki stepped slightly to the side so that he was less visible.

“Right. Ok. And Loki. Guys, this is my friend Carol Baker, who is our host for the moment.”

They all greeted her politely, except for Loki, who sniffed the air and then said, “I smell magic here. Is it yours?”

Carol gestured incoherently for a moment, apparently unsure as to how to greet a group of fictional characters standing in the front hall, and then settled, oddly, on a deep bow. “It's very nice to meet you all. I'm sorry I'm not better dressed for this occasion. Yes,” to Loki, “it's probably mine. I'm sure you've had a long...trip, so if you'd like to relax the living room is the third door on the left. Now if you'll please excuse me, I'm going to go have a religious crisis and I'll join you in a few minutes.” Then she turned and walked quietly through the nearest doorway, shutting the door gently behind her.

There was a long moment of silence, and then Shelly said, “Shit. I hadn't thought of that.”

“Have we done something to offend her?” Steve's brow crinkled in good-natured puzzlement. “I know this is a different world from ours—have we broken a taboo?”

“No, no, it's not that at all. Come on to the living room and I'll explain.”

The living room had enough couches that even Tony had to nod his approval, and once everyone else was seated, Shelly pulled an ottoman into a central spot in front of the television and perched on it, hugging her knees. “Carol's a pagan, and she's big into chaos magic. You guys know what that is, right?”

Tony, Clint, Natasha, and Loki nodded; the rest looked puzzled.

“Um, ok, so it's sort of a weird nonstructured form of magical practice. Very big on adapting your practice and beliefs to fit the situation. I'm not super clear on it, it's not really my thing, but this is what Carol's told me. And she's really into the invocation of non-traditional god forms.”

Another long pause, slightly longer than the one in the front hall, and then simultaneously Loki burst into delighted laughter and Thor said, “I fail to see how my worship is non-traditional.”

“Not you. She doesn't work with you.”

“Then who?”

In the armchair in the corner Loki continued to laugh, face slowly going red, and Shelly said, slowly, “Well, I don't know _everyone_ she works with, but I think mostly Iron Man. Um, Mr. Stark, that is.”

At this point Loki's laughing got so bad that he actually fell out of his chair, and Clint, who had been seated very firmly across the room from him, flicked a ball of paper at his forehead. The others merely boggled, quietly, until Tony finally said, “I'm sorry, I think I missed some of that, please explain what's going on and why I'm involved in magic now?”

At that moment there was a soft sound at the doorway and Carol stepped into the room, looking much more composed. She took a seat on the ottoman next to Shelly and looked them all over. “Hi. I'm sorry for being so rude before.”

Steve shook his head. “It's quite all right. I understand that we must have startled you.”

“True. Did Shelly explain things?”

“Not to my satisfaction but I'm thinking we'll probably have time to discuss it later.” Tony was staring at her with an expression that managed to combine puzzlement and interest in equal proportions. “With alcohol. We'll need alcohol.”

“That can be managed. But the situation at hand is that you're all here.”

They nodded.

“Is it his fault?”

She didn't even have to indicate. “That's correct, Miss Baker.”

“Carol, please. Well, I'll do whatever I can to help you get home.” She took a deep breath. “In the meantime, first, what should I call you?”

“Steve is fine,” and the others chimed in to the effect that under the circumstances first names all around would be best—the only one who didn't comment was Loki, whose laughter was slowly subsiding.

“Ok then. It looks like I'm going to need to make a lot more lasagna than I'd planned on, and I'm going to need some help. Do any of you know how to cook?”

Steve and Bruce immediately stood. Clint began to stand as well and was pulled back down by Natasha, who smiled briefly at Carol and said, “We don't cook, but we'd be happy to set the table for you. Where's the dining room?”

“Right across the hall. We use the family dining room, not the company one; that one's on this side. Utensils are in the sideboard, dishes are in the cabinet next to it. Thank you, Natasha. Bruce, you're on vegetables, I'll show you what we've got, do whatever you like. Steve, you'll be helping me, especially because I think I'm going to need to use the big pans for this and I can't reach them. _You--_ ” she reached down unexpectedly to twist a hand in Loki's collar, “are not to come _anywhere_ near my kitchen or I swear I will hound you until you _die_.”

Loki smiled pleasantly at her. “I'd certainly invite you to try.”

“Would you really? Anyway, I figure you broke it, you fix it, since I certainly don't know shit about dimension hopping, but I don't really know how you work. If you want to look at any of my books, though, they're in that box in the corner.”

At the prospect of reading material Loki seemed to brighten, standing and and disentagling Carol's hand from his coat without a word as he moved to look in the box in question. He immediately sat down on the floor next to it and began to rummage. Thor and Tony shifted awkwardly until she looked back to them. “Well, you don't have bags...Thor, will you watch _him?_ Make sure he doesn't break anything? You're welcome to watch TV while you're in here. And...” she turned to look at Tony and seemed momentarily lost for words. “...um...Mr. Stark.”

“Tony.”

“Tony. Um.” She stared. “Um, Shelly, is your laptop—no. I'll get you my iPad. You'll probably like it. You'll all need to be up on how this world works, I don't know how long you'll be staying, and you might as well get a head start. Shelly will know most of the useful websites. I have good bookmarks.”

 

\--

 

Dinner went off without any significant hitches, though Steve's assistance in the kitchen turned out to be vital for lifting the four pans of lasagna required to feed two hungry twenty-somethings, six Avengers, and a supervillain-under-flag-of-truce (who ate one full pan by himself, as well as three bowls of the salad Bruce prepared). After dinner was spent flipping through television channels as part of a makeshift new-universe orientation session while Tony continued to monopolize Carol's iPad. Loki remained curled into the armchair he had claimed before, apparently completely absorbed in a book entitled _Condensed Chaos_ , and resisted all attempts to draw him into conversation.

Eventually it got late, and the toll of the day's events began to show as people yawned, blinked, and attempted to shrug crackles out of their backs. There were, luckily, enough bedrooms to house everyone comfortably once it was agreed that Clint and Natasha could share and Loki had to stay with something who would keep an eye on him—a task for which Thor happily volunteered. Loki was also the only person who didn't seem tired; he continued to read without pause while everyone around him prepared for bed and arrangements were made to go shopping with Shelly (who didn't have a shift the next day) for acceptable clothing and larger quantities of food.

Finally the question became too pressing to ignore, and Shelly went over to Loki's armchair and tapped him gently on the shoulder. “Loki, are you going to bed now?”

He raised his eyes from the page and gave her an inquiring look. “Are you inviting me?”

She flushed vividly. “No! Um. Everyone else is going to bed and I wanted to know if you were tired because you don't actually know where your room is.”

“I am perfectly able to find it myself. If I am to share with Thor then all I'll have to do is orient myself by the sound of his snoring. In the meantime, however, I am not especially tired and I have research to do, and Stark has finally relinquished that device. I think I might need it.”

“Well, ok.” Shelly took a step back, still blushing. “There are some snack things in the fridge if you need something to eat, you know, pudding cups, carrots, things like that. Popcorn and pretzels in the pantry. Just make sure not to make a mess. You know what Carol said.”

“I sincerely doubt she could actually do anything to hurt me.” He returned to his book.

Once everyone had dispersed to their rooms, Loki snatched Carol's iPad from where it had been left on the coffee table and peeled back the cover, watching with interest as the screen lit up. He was much more comfortable with technology than his brother, but the innovations of humans still fascinated, and he spent a few minutes trying out every app and a few more minutes playing Angry Birds before starting up the browser. Magic was clearly something important to this Carol woman, which was a trait he appreciated, so he checked her bookmarks first, smiling when he found the folder labeled “Occult.”

He could not help but scan the titles of the other folders before opening the Occult one, and his eyes lit with curiosity when he found one labeled “Fanfiction” filled with meticulously organized subfolders, including, interestingly enough, “Avengers.” He opened it and went to the first link.

After scanning the beginning of the page he paused. This was _fascinating_. Bizarre and terrifying, but fascinating.

Research could wait. He put down the iPad, hurried to the kitchen to obtain a suitable quantity of food, and settled down for a long night of reading.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up! Having found themselves in a strange new world, the Avengers (and Loki) now need clothes! Can they be taken shopping without destroying the mall? Will Loki kill Carol after he reads all of her fanfiction bookmarks? Is any of this a good plan at all? Find out the answers to all your life's questions in the next thrilling chapter of “An Unplanned Vacation!”
> 
> Chaos magic is a real thing, and it's not uncommon to find practicing chaos magicians who work with fictional characters instead of traditional deities. The book Loki is reading is _Condensed Chaos_ , by Phil Hine, which is one of the best introductions to the subject that I know of—if you check out Phil Hine's website you can read an early draft of it, _Oven-Ready Chaos_ , for free online. The companion to it, _Prime Chaos_ , is also pretty good.
> 
> Bonus points for anyone who figures out the naming theme of the original characters! (Except Carol. She doesn't hold to the naming theme because somehow I can't think of her being called anything other than Carol.)


	2. The Numbers Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Avengers take an only semi-disastrous trip to the mall for clean clothes, and in the process learn a few things about their...ahem...indefinable allure. Well, probably indefinable.
> 
> Not really indefinable.
> 
> Their sex appeal.
> 
> Also, find out what's happening at SHIELD and why Nick Fury is so angry this time!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dialogue in brackets is in German.

When Carol came downstairs the next morning to get ready for work she found Loki asleep in his armchair, iPad in his lap, the floor around him littered with what she could only think of as an absolute Apocalypse of empty food packages. She counted ten empty pudding cups before she stopped bothering to keep track, as well as several crumpled bags that had at one point contained a variety of salty snacks. On the coffee table were six empty soda cans, stacked into a pyramid, and right next to the armchair was a pile of pieces of armor.

She tiptoed over to the chair and leaned in carefully, waking up the screen so she could see what he'd been reading. As she realized what he'd found he opened one eye a crack. “It's gratifying to know that I'm popular in this world, but I have to question the taste of some of these writers in their choice of relationships to depict. Stark? _Really?_ While I admit that he does have a certain animal charm, his lust for that Pepper woman is so obvious that it's almost painful. Although the ones that paired him with Banner seemed mostly plausible. Have you _seen_ them talk about science? It's like watching the mating dances of birds. It's almost embarrassing.”

Carol didn't reply. She was blushing furiously.

“In any case, it is charming to learn that humans still desire _hieros gamos_. That was always a ritual I enjoyed, when I was invited. Highly invigorating.” He stood and began to gather up the trash and toss it into the small living room trash can. “When I was not reading your _very_ diverting fiction collection I was doing some meditation. It seems that I have suffered some neurological damage and may not be able to access the full extent my magic, or even anything near it, for a week or more while I am healing. It is returning, of course, even now, but I will most likely require your assistance if I am to return myself and my enemies to our own world.” He flicked a final pudding cup into the trash and glanced at her, smiling slyly. “You _do_ dream of the _hieros gamos_ , do you not?”

She bit her lip and turned to go to the kitchen. “Not with you.”

“Now, when did I ever say that? And anyway you're not at _all_ my type. I could probably arrange for you to get Stark alone, if you like. Of course then you would owe me a favor.”

“I don't want any favors from you. From _any_ of you. Just...just figure out what we'll need to do and _get them out of my house._ ”

He followed her as she walked to the kitchen, smiling the entire time. “Do we bother you that much? Does it unsettle your pathetic self-centered worldview to find that your gods walk beside you? You humans used to welcome us with open arms when we bothered to visit you, with singing and jubilation. And mead.” He _hmm_ 'ed fondly at the reminiscence. “There was always a great deal of mead. Not as good as the kind made in Asgard itself, but rather more plentiful.”

They had reached the kitchen, and abruptly Carol whirled on him, the effect of her rage slightly lessened by a height disparity of a full foot. “Look, I'm just fine with the idea of my gods existing. Thrilled, in fact. It's nice to have proof. I like proof, I'm scientific like that. But _you_ are not one of my gods. You're trouble in a big hat. And as much as I love the others, as much as I am over the fucking moon to have _Tony Stark_ in the _guest bedroom_ , they're trouble too.” She had moved away by now, and was getting Lucky Charms and juice as she talked. “Because you know what? The Norsemen of old may have partied hard when you visited, but they partied just as hard once you left. Gods are good to have, but when they're around all the time they attract shit that we're not ready to deal with. We're not that strong yet.” She finished filling her cereal bowl and slammed the milk down on the counter hard enough to spill a few drops, breathing heavily as she screwed the cap back on the carton. “The longer you're all here, the closer the probability that shit is going to go _down_ comes to one, and I have a life and a job and people I care about and I'm not strong enough to protect them from the kind of problems you bring.”

There was a long pause, and then Loki laughed delightedly and started to clap. “I _like_ you! I think we're going to be very good friends.”

“Oh, fuck you.” She put together a second bowl of cereal and glass of cranberry juice and put the jugs back into the refrigerator, closing the door a little harder than strictly necessary.

“Like I said, Carol my dear, not my type at all, but it's unwise to refuse the friendship of a god.”

“Shit.” She sat down at the kitchen table, and her shoulders slumped. “People tell me I'm a lot of things, but wise has never been one of them. If I was wise I'd still be in med school. Anyway, you're not my type either.” After another, much shorter pause she shoved the second bowl of Lucky Charms and glass of juice across the kitchen table at him. “Sit your ass down and eat your cereal.”

He sat, looking pleased. “Thank you. I suppose I'm rather taller than Stark is. Are these tiny marshmallows? They are delicious and _adorable._ The food you mortals enjoy is frankly _bizarre._ ”

“It's not the height.” She swallowed a mouthful of cereal and slugged back half of her juice in one gulp.

“What, then? You've piqued my curiosity.”

“No tits.”

Loki snorted, nearly choking on his cereal. “I suppose that would be an obstacle, if those are what you like. So the lovely Natasha is more to your tastes.”

“Eh. She's ok. I like Scarlett Johansson more as a blonde.” Carol finished her juice in another marathon gulp. “Pepper, though. She is absolutely hot to _death._ Wish she'd come with you.”

“She is moderately attractive, yes.”

There was a soft noise, and they both looked up to see Bruce standing in the doorway of the kitchen, blinking and adjusting his glasses. “I think I'm going to leave and come in again to something less awkward.” He disappeared from the doorway and reentered a moment later, nodding to them both. “Good morning. Where can I find the coffee?”

“Pantry, eye-level shelf. Wait, no, my eye level, not yours. So the shelf just below eye level. Coffee maker is near the sink.” Carol had gone slightly pink, and Loki was laughing into his cereal. “I'll bike to work and leave my car keys in the front hall with the bug-out card for you guys for when you go shopping; you'll never fit into Shelly's little rollerskate.”

 

–

 

_Meanwhile, on the SHIELD helicarrier..._

 

Coulson stared into the holding cell, pinching the bridge of his nose in the vain hope that the gesture would stave off his impending migraine. Inside the cell, the people that they'd picked up from the square in Flashkill sat on the floor in a cluster, talking in low voices like they were old friends.

Director Fury stepped up beside him, frowning. “Who are they, Coulson?”

“They say they're actors, claim to have played our people in some movie. They're not sure how they got here. They kept calling me Clark.”

“They lying?”

“You know, I don't think so.”

“Crazy?”

“No sign of it so far. At least no more than what's obvious.”

“Well, shit.” Coulson looked over to see the director frowning darkly. “Let me know if you find out anything useful.”

 

–

 

Preparing to take the Avengers (and Loki) shopping was a lot like Shelly imagined Nick Fury's mission briefings were. The heroes had all had a single change of clothes stored in the duffel bag that Steve carried to keep Bruce's post-Hulk clothing in, and Loki was apparently content to remain in the linen tunic and pants that he'd worn under his armor and then slept in. The problem was in getting them all to pay attention to her at once. Steve listened to her from the first, but then got distracted trying to keep Tony, Thor, and Clint from chatting, Bruce was busy trying to find a place to stand far away from Loki, Natasha was tucking more weapons into her clothing than Shelly felt prepared to count, and Loki simply stood by reading a book and not paying attention to her.

Finally, at almost a total loss, Shelly tried to think of she'd seen other people do in situations like this and remembered the day she'd spent helping out at her sister's daycare. She took a deep breath, inserted her pinkies into her mouth, and whistled loudly. “Everybody be quiet or there will be TIME OUT!”

They all turned to her, startled into silence, except for Loki, who started laughing and then stopped when Clint kicked him in the ankle. Shelly took another deep breath. “Thank you. So clearly you guys all need clothes for while you're here, which according to _him_ over there is going to be at least a week and a half. And we need to go to Costco because Carol and I don't normally have company and there are seven of you. But you all look like the actors who play you, obviously, and nobody's gonna believe me if I just tell them who you really are, so you need a cover story. Can you all just, I don't know, pretend to be my cousins?”

“We're a tour group. Then you can say that we don't speak much English.” They all turned to look at Natasha, who was checking her nails and spoke as if this was nothing special. “I speak plenty of languages. All we'd need is to find one that they all know.” She gestured vaguely to the others.

Tony raised his hand pleasantly. “Bruce and I both speak German.”

Bruce coughed. “Your accent is horrendous, though.”

“It's not that—”

“It's a crime against language.” Natasha rolled her eyes. “Could work, though. Clint knows some.”

Everyone turned to look at Clint, who shrugged. “I used to do carnival tricks, ok? Did some work with the Munich Circus.”

“He's almost worse than Tony—”

“See?”

“ _Almost._ But he'll pass to anyone who doesn't speak the language. Thor? Can you and Loki speak German?”

Loki snorted derisively. “We speak anything of Nordic or Germanic descent. Those are the only decent languages in this world anyway, and even English is tainted by Latinate filth.”

“Judgmental, but ok. Steve?”

Steve shifted awkwardly. “I know a little.”

“Good enough. Shelly, we're German tourists. I can be your cousin, you can trust me to maintain an accent.”

Shelly was just staring at them, startled. “Um, ok. That was...easier than I'd expected. Oh, also, we're taking Carol's van. No flying. People don't fly here unless they're on drugs.”

Thor grinned at her. “There is no danger of that, friend Shelly. Due to the constraints of this garb I must leave my hammer here, though it does concern me to do so. Shall we be off?”

She relaxed suddenly. “Yes. Let's. Time to hit the mall.”

Natasha fell in step beside her as they headed out to the car. “You know this is going to be a nightmare, right? I've been shopping with them before. They're like children.”

“Yeah, I'm not really looking forward to it. Take shotgun, please? It's about a forty-five minute drive, we can work out a game plan.”

The spy patted her on the shoulder, smiling faintly. “Don't worry, Shelly. I've got it under control.”

 

\--

 

The drive was its own special nightmare. The seats were cramped even taking into account the size of Carol's minivan, and they were of course one person over capacity, which meant that Steve volunteered to sit on the floor, wedged between the middle seat and the door. The bigger argument involved who would be sitting next to whom, and ended up with nobody happy, as Bruce couldn't and Clint wouldn't sit with Loki and Thor was too large to take the middle seat in the back row.

As the car started up Bruce cast around desperately for some conversational topic that wouldn't start an argument. “So, Clint, the, uh, Munich circus? I didn't know you'd ever done any work like that.”

“Yeah, used to be a carny.” Clint grinned. “Most just the continental states but I did some international work. The Munich guys were great, though. Really dedicated. There was this one guy, Kurt, I never even saw him take his makeup off. Just stayed in character all the time. Blue from head to toe.”

In the back seat Loki tensed as he tried to focus on his book and pretend he wasn't listening.

“He was always just showing up behind you, too. Weird guy. Super religious. Nice, though. Me, though, I was their star act. Trick shooting, William Tell bits, things like that.”

Thor frowned for a moment. “Remind me of William Tell. I do not recall the name.”

“He shot an apple off the top of his kid's head. I did that. Shot stuff off of people's heads, audience volunteers. That's how I met Director Fury.”

Thor laughed uproariously, shaking the car. “Delightful! It reminds me of my travels when I was young! Do you recall our journey to the city of giants, brother?” and he reached across Tony to clap Loki forcefully on the back.

“Don't touch me.” Loki did not look up from his book.

Thor fell silent, looking hurt, and Steve hurried to fill the silence with a slightly embroidered tale of his adventures during the war, which led to Thor cheering up and countering with what was probably a much-exaggerated tale of his own youthful travels, which in turn led to a heady combination of reminiscences and bickering from the others.

It was the loudest drive Shelly had ever been on. But somehow, through it all, she and Natasha managed to keep up a conversation, working out how to get the men through the mall without destroying it. “We'll take them to Hayward's first. I think it's the only independent department store on the East Coast. My friend Donna's uncle runs it.”

They finally got to the mall, and Shelly found a parking spot as close to the entrance of Hayward's as was humanly possible. “EVERYBODY OUT!”

Everyone piled out and stood in a cluster next to the van, Steve pacing to work out the cramps he'd developed during the drive. Shelly tried to stand as straight as possible, channeling “drill sergeant” as hard as she possibly could, while Natasha stood behind her with one hand on her shoulder. “Quick rules review! You're German tourists. You don't speak any English. _None_ of you are actors. If anyone thinks they recognize you, please don't encourage them. Stay in a group with me; I have the money.”

Steve saluted, smiling cheerfully. “Yes, ma'am.”

“Thank you, Steve. If any of you wander off and get into trouble Natasha has promised me that she'll stab you. Anyway we're going to Hayward's first because I have friends who work there and I might be able to get us a discount. You all need at least three outfits, but don't go too crazy, we are on a budget.”

The motley procession entered the store and were marched directly up the escalator to men's clothing, Natasha splitting off quietly to the misses department as she was the only one who could be trusted to come up with a spur-of-the-moment cover story to explain her appearance. As soon as they got up to the men's department Shelly glanced around and then hurried to the nearest counter, where a young man with hair partially dyed blue was folding a pile of polo shirts. “Hey, Bobby-pin.”

The young man, presumably Bobby, looked up and smiled. “Heya, Shelly-bean! I didn't know you had today off. Doing some retail therapy?”

“Actually I have some friends visiting and they lost their luggage at the airport, so I said I'd take them out to get replacement clothes.” She gestured behind her to where the Avengers (and Loki) were glancing around the department. “I'd have sent them by themselves, but they don't speak a ton of English.”

Bobby looked at his friend's companions and his eyes slowly widened. “Shelly, are they—”

“No! No of course not. Just a really weird resemblance.”

“But they really look like—”

“German tourists! Seriously. They're tourists. From Germany.” She glanced over her shoulder and saw to her relief that Bruce, Tony, and Clint had split off into the men's denim section, chatting semi-seriously in German, and Steve and Thor had successfully located “Big and Tall.” Loki was simply standing by, nose buried in his book. She turned back to Bobby. “Anyway, most of them know what they wear in American sizes, but Luke here,” she jerked a thumb at Loki, “hasn't bought clothes in years, so he needs to be fitted. Do you have a few minutes?”

“Yeah, sure.” Bobby hurried over to one of the other salesmen and talked to him quietly for a moment and then came back over and tapped Loki on the shoulder. “Hi! Shelly said your name was Luke?”

Loki lowered his book and nodded. “I'm Luke,” and Shelly was surprised to hear him speaking with a thick German accent.

“My name's Bobby. Shelly said you don't know your size and wanted a fitting.”

“That's correct.” He smiled faintly. “Please excuse me if I misspeak. I do not speak your language very well.”

“You sound just fine to me.” Bobby beamed at him. “Let's get you set up in a fitting room and I can start taking your measurements.”

“That sounds...enjoyable.”

Bobby blushed.

Shelly down in a chair near the register where it was easy for her to keep an eye on the others, who for the most part seemed to be doing fine—Thor had begun at some point to regale the other men with what she assumed from their laughter were fairly dirty jokes. She was joined after about fifteen minutes by Natasha, who sat down next to her with a basket of clothes, smelling faintly of perfume. “How are they doing?” She, like Loki, had somehow put on a noticeable German accent.

“Well, they're loud, but they haven't broken anything yet.” Shelly rubbed her temple. “I think they're fine.”

“Good. Do you have your receipt from the diner yesterday?”

“Um, yeah, I think so. Why?” She extracted her wallet from her purse, located the receipt, and handed it to Natasha. “Do you need it?”

“You and your friend are spending a lot of money to keep us out of trouble. I may be able to arrange for you to be reimbursed.” Natasha tucked the receipt away. “Hang onto the receipts for any expenses we incur and I'll see what I can do for you.”

“Oh! That's...that's very nice of you. I really appreciate that, thanks.” Shelly giggled nervously. “I mean, today is all coming out of Carol's bug-out card, but I know she'll want to replace it as soon as she can.”

“Right, yes. Tell me about that. I'm curious.”

“Carol's kinda paranoid.” Shelly rummaged for a moment more and then produced a prepaid Visa card. “She keeps two thousand dollars on this thing in case everything falls apart around here and she has to leave. She sort of had a breakdown when she dropped out of med school and her folks kicked her out, so she always wants to have backup.”

Natasha smiled. “She seems sensible. I like her. Anyway, one of the saleswomen downstairs insisted on giving me a sample of this perfume because she said I looked too much like their spokeswoman to pass it up. It's rather nice, I think. Where's Loki?”

“In the fitting room getting measured. My cousin works here, and he's a good fitter, so it shouldn't take too long.”

They chatted quietly for nearly an hour until the men began to drift over with their selections, which Natasha glanced over, rolling her eyes. When Clint finally wandered to the counter with a small pile of t-shirts and jeans, Shelly stood. “We all ready?”

There was a small chorus of assent and then Bruce's quiet voice saying, “Where's Lo...Luke?”

Shelly frowned. “I think he's still in the fitting room, Bobby was helping him. I'm surprised he's taken this long, though.”

As they started to glance around Loki emerged from the fitting room with a new outfit and shoes on, an armload of clothes, a phone number written on the side of his hand, and an extremely smug expression. After a moment Bobby stumbled out after him, looking flushed as he tried to simultaneously fix his tie and wipe his mouth with the back of his hand.

There was dead silence, and then Clint let out a low whistle. Shelly hurried over to Bobby and grabbed his arm, speaking quietly. “Oh my god Bobby you didn't just—I mean you can't— _what happened to 'I refuse to reinforce demeaning stereotypes about the promiscuity of modern gay men'?_ ”

Bobby sighed, starry-eyed. “He was very persuasive. I'm in love. We're going out to lunch tomorrow and I'm going to show him around town.”

“Oh my _god_ , Bobby...” She turned in time to hear Thor boom out something in German that she didn't understand and clap Loki on the shoulder so hard that the other man's knees buckled. Most of the others apparently didn't understand it either, although Clint made an odd snorting noise and Natasha's eyes gleamed. Shelly sighed. “Just ring us up already. All one sale but we'll need different bags.”

“Sure, of course. I'll give you my employee discount, I don't think Mr. Hayward will mind under the circumstances.”

Once they'd gotten out of the store and into the main hallway of the mall Shelly stopped and turned around, breathing hard. “Ok, new rule! We are here to get you _clothes_ , not _laid!_ I don't care how much you flirt, I don't care how many phone numbers you get or _whatever_ but this is not a place you are having sex in! And I swear to god, Loki, if you break my cousin's heart I will rip your lungs out through your back.”

Thor and Loki both blinked, and then Loki opened his mouth to speak and immediately had to dodge a kick from Clint, at whom he shot a sulfurous glare. Once he had moved to the other side of Thor he said, “Understood. Although I don't know _where_ you get such creative ideas.”

“It just came to me. Don't think I won't do it.”

“No, no, I believe you. You aren't by any chance of Scandinavian descent, are you?”

 

\--

 

The next stop was Hot Topic, where Tony bought five t-shirts for different metal bands, chatted pleasantly with the heavily pierced salesgirl, and left with her phone number written on the back of the receipt, at which point Clint started keeping score. At the Apple store they got an iPad so that Tony could stop monopolizing Carol's and Natasha was asked for her number by three of the store's staffers and offered the phone numbers of two others. In Barnes & Noble they scoured the periodicals section interest and bought Loki a small stack of books with bizarre titles, and various members of the group left with phone numbers from all the clerks, the baristas at the in-store Starbucks, and several customers. There was also a brief stop into Best Buy, where Natasha, for some reason, bought a small digital camcorder.

Back in the hall, Clint pulled up the scores on his phone to add the new points and sighed. “<Only one so far. I am _so_ losing this. This is no fair. >”

“<Oh, what's wrong?>” Loki was practically cooing. “<Aren't you _anyone's_ favorite Avenger? >”

“<Oh shut the fuck up you sonuva—>” Clint dove for him and had to be restrained bodily by Thor. “<Look, I am only _barely_ tolerating you because you're apparently the only one who can get us out of this shit and Tasha said I had to, but I promise you that as soon as we're back at the house we're going to fight, just the two of us, and I'm going to break one of your bones for every fucking person you made me shoot. >”

There was a dead silence, made worse by the fact that the crowd of shoppers around them had thinned, and even Shelly and Steve, who barely understood what was being said, were quiet.

Loki rolled his neck, smiling thinly. “<Your challenge is accepted. Once we have returned to the house you may have satisfaction. There is certainly enough space on the lawn for me to throw you without doing any permanent damage.>”

“<Fine. Good. Let's finish up here, I feel like cracking your skull.>”

Another pause, and then Shelly smiled weakly. “So. Lunch?”

 

\--

 

Shelly, with Natasha's support, had flatly refused to take them to the mall food court and chose instead to haul them to a nearby Red Robin, where she was able to get them a corner booth. The meal was spent for the most part in desperately awkward silence until the waitress, on her third round of refilling drinks, brought Bruce's soda back with a note containing the bartender's phone number—his first of the trip. Bruce blushed, Clint cheered, several of the others clapped, and Shelly buried her face in her hands. “Oh my god. What is going on here. Is it just, like, Avengers show up, pants come off? Is that how this works?”

Tony grinned at her. “Pretty much, yeah. I can't take these guys anywhere, I think last year we were all on Glamour's Most Eligible Bachelors list even though I've been with Pepper for three years now. Although normally it's not this concentrated. Must be something in the water around here.” He glanced at the wreckage of plates on their table. “Although I think I'd be more concerned with how none of us have had heart attacks yet, especially seeing as Clint got through two of those egg burger things.”

“Carnival food, baby. It makes a man strong.” Clint took a long slurp on his milkshake. “Speaking of which I could kill for a funnel cake right now.”

Natasha jabbed him with her elbow. “We talked about the funnel cake, Clint.”

“Right, right. One day at a time.” He dug out his phone and added a point for Bruce to the scores.

Steve sighed. “I wish you wouldn't do that, Clint. It's disrespectful.”

“I don't see you throwing out the numbers you got. Which, by my count, you have...six. What, you gonna invite them all over for tea?”

Steve pinked and then unexpectedly said, “Maybe. Why not? I don't see you doing anything with your _one._ ”

Bruce hissed through his teeth, and Natasha reached over and patted Clint's hand. “We can share.”

Thor burst out laughing. “Excellent! Brother, that reminds me of—”

“Thor, don't tell that story.” Loki shrank down in his seat, which was surprisingly effective as a concealment measure given the small forest of empty plates and glasses stacked up in front of him.

Thor told the story anyway, despite Loki's protests and at a slightly higher volume than was entirely appropriate, though luckily the restaurant was mostly empty. By the end of it Shelly and Bruce were red-faced, Clint, Tony, and Steve were laughing hysterically, Loki had buried his face so deeply in his book that it started to look like they'd need a crowbar to get him out, and the check had come, accompanied by several other notes with phone numbers which the waitress distributed without making eye contact. That of course meant the scores had to be updated, which Clint did loudly as they made their way back out to the car.

“So the standings are Thor with seven including the one from yesterday, Steve with seven, Tony and Natasha with five each, Bruce and me with two, and Psychotic Asshole with six plus an extra bonus point because he got _head_ and a _date._ Asshole.”

“I think I should get two bonus points for that. One for each additional triumph.”

“No, fuck you, you only get one bonus point because I am not _encouraging_ you.”

“His tongue piercing made it _especially_ worth it.”

Shelly shrieked and covered her ears. “That's my _cousin_ you're talking about! I swear I will make you walk home if you don't shut up!”

Clint sneered at Loki. “Oh, fuck you, now I have that image to get out of my head too. Plus we've got a contested point because of that one girl who gave her number to Tony _and_ Steve and made some _suggestions_ , do I give that one to both of them or does it get a special category? Where to now, Shel?”

Shelly was still bright red as she got behind the wheel of the van. “Costco. We need more food. And then we're going home, we've spent like a thousand dollars today.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up: Clint and Loki in an epic battle to the...something! Will Shelly kill Loki for seducing her cousin? Will any of the Avengers call all those phone numbers? Can Tony deal with someone thinking he's god? Get the answers to these questions and more in the next exciting chapter of “An Unplanned Vacation!”
> 
>  
> 
> **Useful Explanatory Notes!**
> 
>  
> 
>  _Hieros gamos_ : For those of you who didn't recognize the term or Google it immediately, hieros gamos is a Greek term that translates as “divine (or holy) wedding.” It refers to the practice of ritually marrying a celebrant to a divine being, frequently with the implication of sexual congress with said divine being (generally metaphorical nowadays). Basically Loki is suggesting that Carol would really like to get it on with at least one of the Avengers. And hey, wouldn't you?
> 
> The Munich Circus: Clint Barton's comics backstory, which I'm sticking to as it hasn't been contradicted yet in the films, is as a carnival trick-shooter. Nightcrawler, of the X-Men, is also a carny; if you saw X-2, then you may remember him mentioning it. Nightcrawler's real name is, of course, Kurt Wagner.
> 
> The perfume sample that the clerk at Hayward's insists that Natasha take is of Dolce & Gabbana's The One, for which Scarlett Johansson is currently spokesperson. I haven't the faintest idea what it's actually like, but her picture is up at the perfume counter where I work, so I see it a lot. As a side note, had Cap ended up down at the perfume counter, he might have walked away with a sample of Gucci Guilty, for which Chris Evan currently smolders attractively.
> 
> One more thing: if you like that sort of thing, this story now has BONUS PORN! For you sick fucks who really want to see a Norse god talk an otherwise well-behaved store clerk into giving him head in a semi-public place, hit the series page and check out “Inseam,” the first chapter of the not-strictly-plot-relevant side story “Tourist,” otherwise known as “Loki Seduces People Because He Can.” Then again, I suppose I can't go calling y'all sick fucks, since I wrote the thing in the first place. Or I guess I can. Takes one to know one. Ha! Anyway, go check out the smut! But if you don't want to read about explicit sex, you can skip it—you'll still be able to enjoy the story.


	3. Battle Without Honor Or Understanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the shopping trip, Clint and Loki get into a dust-up in the back yard and some disturbing revelations are made. Also, find out why Carol thinks Tony is a god!

The drive back from Costco with groceries and clothing was undertaken in tense silence, because try as they might, none of them could forget that promises had been made and it was probably going to end badly. Everyone had known this was coming, really, but in the rush and bustle it had been easy to ignore and pretend to forget about. The tension only thickened as they came up the drive to the house and pulled into the parking spot between Shelly's car and Carol's bicycle, and it was clearly an effort of will on everyone's part to not talk as they unloaded the shopping bags and brought them into the house, which with such formidable help luckily only required one trip.

When Shelly, Steve, and Thor got to the kitchen with the bulk of the groceries, they found Carol seated at the kitchen table with her iPad and a small stack of books and comics. She'd covered most of the table with papers, on which were notes and diagrams, but she moved them aside so the groceries could be set down. “So how did it go?”

Steve said, awkwardly, “We got a lot accomplished,” while, simultaneously, Shelly said, “I am _not_ doing that again.”

“That bad, huh?” Carol got out of her chair and started putting things away with them. “What happened?”

“My brother has antagonized our friend Clint most sorely.” Thor frowned into the chest freezer as he tried to fit in several large boxes of frozen pizza. “We played a most enjoyable game of flirtation during our trip, and when Loki mocked him for falling behind in the standings he took it badly.”

“Well, I would imagine so, he's got no reason to like—a game of _what?_ ”

“Flirtation! We were given the phone numbers of many attractive young people! Apparently there is even a song about it. I believe I am in the lead.”

“What Thor is trying to say, Miss Baker—”

“Carol.”

“Carol, is that there were a lot of very, ah, forward people in the mall, and we attracted a lot of attention for some reason.”

“You look like popular actors.”

“That's probably it, yes. Some of them made some _very_ inappropriate suggestions.” Steve pinked slightly as he stacked boxes of cereal and Pop-Tarts in the pantry. “Clint started keeping score, he and Loki got into an argument, and now unless we get over there soon I think they've made plans for some kind of duel in your back yard.”

At that moment they heard a faint shout from outside, and as they looked up Clint went flying past the kitchen window, bow in hand, cursing sulfurously as he tried to pull an arrow from his quiver in mid-air.

“That would probably be it now. Excuse me, please.” Steve set down the bag of apples he had been stowing and hurried out of the kitchen.

“I should go assist him, or this will not end well.” Thor followed after him.

Carol stared after them in disbelief before turning to Shelly. “Ok, _what happened?_ ”

Shelly slumped into one of the kitchen chairs. “Well, Loki has a date tomorrow.”

“What.”

“I took them to Hayward's first, all right? And Loki had to get fitted and somehow he talked Bobby into _blowing_ him in the _fitting room_ , and now they're going out for lunch tomorrow.”

“Wait, Bobby like your cousin Bobby? The swishy one with the tongue piercing?”

“Oh my god never mention tongue piercings to me again. Seriously. Anyway, then Tony got a phone number from that chick at the Hot Topic, the one with the skull plugs, and then it was just, like, panties explosion, 'Call Me Maybe' on infinite repeat, so Clint starting tracking how many numbers everyone got. I don't actually know what he and Loki were arguing about. They were speaking German. But they both looked pretty pissed.”

“German?”

“They were pretending to be tourists. Natasha's idea. I don't speak German! I took French in high school, you remember!”

“Shit. And somehow this means that nobody's going to help us finish up with the groceries.” Carol surveyed the remaining bags with a growing frown. “...who wanted four fifty-packs of assorted pudding cups?”

“Loki.”

“...of course it was him. Who else would it be? I don't know why I even asked.” After a moment of frustrated glaring she began to extract the pudding cups from the bag they were in and lug them to the pantry.

To their great relief, Bruce and Tony arrived a moment later with the rest of the groceries. Bruce smiled faintly at them. “We felt that for the sake of Tony's health and your house's structure we should get out of the way of the fight.”

 

\--

 

When Steve and Thor got to the back of the house they were greeted by the sight of Clint on his back on the ground with a pistol crossbow aimed point-blank at Loki, who was crouched over him with a hand around his throat. Both were scuffed and dirty. Loki's other arm hung limp at his side and blood streamed from his nose, while Clint had what looked like two broken fingers on his left hand and an impressive bruise on his forearm. Natasha was standing impassively by, holding a gun lightly in one hand but not doing anything with it, camcorder in the other hand recording everything.

Loki was laughing derisively as he tightened his grip. “Really, Clint? You thought to best _me_ in combat? Me, of all people? I know every move you might make.”

“Fuck no you don't! I still blew your ass up in New York, and from where I am right now I can still put a bolt between your skeevy-ass eyes!”

“Try it, then. I dare you. But even if I fall I will have your neck snapped beforehand.”

Steve and Thor pulled up short by Natasha, and Steve stared at the gun in her hand. “Why didn't you try to stop them?”

“It wouldn't have done us any good. Clint needs this. We should stop them killing each other, but stopping the fight entirely would just do him a disservice.” She smirked faintly. “Besides, I'm enjoying it. He's already dislocated Loki's shoulder and hit him in the face.”

They heard a whooshing noise, and then Loki cried, “What's the matter, Hawkeye? Is your vision clouded?”

“I can still see you clear as day, you brainsucking freak!”

“And yet you continue to miss.”

“Took out your arm just fine! Bet you miss your brainsucking stick now, huh?”

_“I DID NOT HAVE A CHOICE IN THE MATTER!”_

Loki's shout echoed off the walls of the house and disappeared into the trees, and Steve decided that it was time to step forward. “All right, kids, BREAK IT UP!”

The two combatants looked up, startled. Loki had fallen back and had his working arm raised in what looked like a reflexive spellcasting motion. Clint was still on the ground, reloading his crossbow and swearing at his broken fingers in a thick voice, but he fell silent when Steve yelled.

Steve took a deep breath. “Beating each other up won't accomplish anything useful here. We're all in the same situation, and it's an unfortunate situation to be in, but as long as we're stuck like this we have to work together.”

Natasha moved forward to help Clint to his feet, and Thor was already at Loki's side, though the two fighters continued to glare at each other.

“You've had your little punching match, and that's fine. But now we're going to go inside, get cleaned up, and talk about this like _adults_ , or you're going to have to answer to me.”

They stared at him for a moment, and then Loki brushed off Thor's hand with a half-hearted “Don't touch me” and began to head for the back door. Natasha inspected Clint's fingers briefly. “They aren't badly broken, but they do need to be taken care of before anything else happens.”

Steve nodded. “Splints are in the first aid kit in my duffel. Get to it. Clint, get to the living room in half an hour. You and I and Loki need to have a very serious talk.”

 

\--

 

Loki was already reading in the living room when Steve came in, trailing Clint behind him. He looked up when they entered and smiled thinly, waving with the arm that Thor had apparently helped to put back into place. There was a bandage over his nose. “I see it is time for some sort of touching heart to heart.”

“Shut up, Loki.” Steve frowned as he sat down on an ottoman, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “I'm not very happy with you right now, and the less you talk the better this is going to go.”

Looking surprised, Loki nodded and put his book down. Clint sat on a couch on the other side of Steve, as far from Loki as he could manage, and massaged his right wrist with the palm of his left hand, his broken fingers sticking out awkwardly.

There was a moment of silence, and then Steve sighed. “Look, this is, pardon my French, a damn poor situation we're in right now. Loki, I can't say I'm pleased about you being here, and your behavior at the mall today was frankly disgusting and disgraceful, but until we get home again it seems that we need you.”

Loki smirked but did not speak.

“Clint, I'm disappointed in you. I understand that you have a lot more reason than me to be unhappy about Loki's presence, but we're on a mission and you're a professional. Act like one. We're also guests here, and I won't have anyone saying that the Avengers are bad house guests, especially when our hosts have already helped us so much.”

Clint rolled his eyes at that last, and Steve frowned. “Don't roll your eyes at me, Agent Barton. We have a reputation to uphold, even if we're not in our own world.

“Now, first off. Loki, I want you to apologize to Clint for insulting him and for your...previous actions.”

Loki stared at him. “Do you have any concept of what you are saying, Captain? I am Loki. I am a _god._ I do not _apologize._ ”

“Well, you might not have before, but you're going to do it now or so help me I'll dislocate both your shoulders. Don't think I won't.”

There was a moment of stunned silence, and then Loki rose from his chair and swept a low bow. “Agent Clint Barton of SHIELD, I must make most sincere apology for any insult I may have earlier done to your honor.”

“And...?” Steve prompted.

“...and furthermore I also apologize for my invasion of your mind during the previous...unpleasantness. It was neither my choice nor my desire to do so.”

“Bullshit.” Clint's voice was still scratchy from being half-choked earlier. “You said that earlier. I'm pretty sure it's bullshit.”

“I assure you, it is not. I will swear it on my blood and on the tree that binds the worlds, if you like.” Loki sat down again. “You may even ask my brother about it. Mind control is not my preferred _modus operandi_. Causing people to do wrong is no fun if they do not make the final choice themselves, to agonize over later. I was under the control of a being with power that I must, unfortunately, admit is greater than my own. More things in heaven and Earth, et cetera, et cetera. In any case I am sorry for it, as it was not enjoyable for either of us and I do not wish to be punched again.”

The silence stretched out until Steve looked over and said, “Clint? Do you accept his apology?”

Still silence, and then Clint said, “Yeah. Ok. Apology accepted, on the provision that you stay the fuck out of my way for the rest of this merry fucking sojourn into Creepy Voyeur World.”

“That is acceptable to me. I do not relish your company any more than you do mine.”

“Good. We done here, Cap?”

Steve sighed again. “Promise not to start any more fights, Clint.”

“I promise, I promise. Can I go now? I need some ice for my throat.”

“Go ahead.”

Clint got up and stalked out of the room. As he left Natasha rose unexpectedly from behind the couch he had been sitting on, where she had apparently been sitting silently the whole time, recording the conversation. Loki and Steve both jumped, staring at her as she switched the camera off. “I think that went well.”

“Natasha, what...” Steve blinked repeatedly.

“For my mission briefing. I'll need to have notes to write this whole mess up for Director Fury. And I think that recording may be useful to have around later.” She glanced over at Loki, who looked almost admiring now. “For the record, Loki, if you even get _near_ Clint for the rest of this trip, I'll paralyze you and sew your mouth shut again. With twine.”

Now it was Loki's turn to blink. “How did you...”

“Oh, please. That story's a classic myth. It's been public record for _centuries._ ”

She turned to leave, and Loki watched her go, looking baffled. “Why do I feel so consistently outmatched by her?”

Steve laughed shortly. “Join the club.”

 

–

 

Tony finally managed to catch Carol by herself around the middle of the afternoon, seated on the floor in one of the currently unused rooms (a personal office, it looked like), knees drawn up to her chest, surrounded by books and frowning at a recipe for jambalaya. When he came into the room she didn't look up, just waved. “Hey, whoever. I think we may have enough shrimp for me to do this jambalaya tonight as long as everyone likes Cajun food _oh._ Um. Mr. Stark. Hi. Do...do you like Cajun food?”

“Love it. Jambalaya sounds great. Look, we need to talk.” He sat on the floor across from her, glancing over the cookbooks.

“Right.” She looked down and away. “I guess we do.”

“So Shelly said something yesterday about invoking non-traditional gods. And somehow this involves me.”

“Yes.” Carol had gone red to the tips of her ears, and wouldn't look at him.

“Could you please explain that to me? How am I magic?”

She didn't say anything for a moment, but she reached to one side and picked up a thin hardcover book, which she held out to him and then said, “Wait. Shit. You don't like to be handed things.” She set it down on the floor in front of him instead. “Take a look.”

He picked up the book. It was a comics collection, and on the cover was a picture of...him. Or at least, of Iron Man. The title was _The Invincible Iron Man: Extremis_. He frowned. “Invincible, huh? I mean, I wouldn't exactly say _invincible_ , but that is pretty flattering. I'm not sure what you're telling me, though.”

She took a deep breath. “When I dropped out of med school my mom kicked me out of the house. Said if I wasn't going to bother learning to be a doctor like I'd always planned on then I'd have to figure things out on my own, she wasn't going to just carry me. I didn't have a job or anything. Just my van and the stuff from my room. My books, my comics, but most of those had to stay in boxes. I kept that one out because it was always my favorite.”

Another breath, but he didn't say anything because clearly she was on a roll here with actually explaining things. At least, some things. “Shelly let me crash on her couch, she and her asshole boyfriend at the time had a pretty big apartment. I spent most of my time job-hunting, but nothing was turning up, especially not for some med school dropout. I'd already fallen out of doing magic while I was in school. But one day I had a really bad time of it, I was feeling dark, I was depressed, so I read my book again. My book about you. And I thought, who comes up with creative ways to solve huge massive problems?” She looked up at him, finally. “Tony Stark does. He always finds a way to make shit work, even when he's stuck in a fucking cave with a box of scrap metal. I wasn't stuck in a cave, I had a computer and no heart problems or anything, I could do it too.

“So I did a spell and asked for guidance. I'd always asked _classical_ gods before. Well, not Classical. Egyptian, mostly. Thoth, Isis, them. But this time I asked Tony Stark. I asked you. And I got a really strong idea about going and checking Craigslist and I found this weird house-sitting gig, stay in the house for like three months and make sure it didn't get robbed while the Clarks went to Japan on their yearly business travel thing. That would at least give me some time to figure things out. I got that job, and it led to another house-sitting gig when that one ended, and now I've got this whole rotation that I do, house to house...

“It fixed everything. That's how I live now. That's how I have a home. Because of you. And now you're here, _in_ my home, and I don't really...I don't know what to say to you. It's one of those daydream things, what would you want to talk about or do if you got to meet your favorite characters, and I've thought about it so many times, but now you're _here._ It actually happened. So I guess the first thing I have to say is thank you. Thank you so much.”

She buried her face in her knees and sniffed, and he realized with some surprise that she had actually started to cry. “No, don't. Don't do that, don't cry, I'm not good at talking to crying women, Pepper normally takes care of that. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say here, because I guess I could say you're welcome but I'm not quite convinced that I had anything to do with it. But. You're welcome? Seriously, though, everything about this situation is sort of alien to me, please look up so I can know this isn't just some kind of weird joke.”

Her shoulders shook, and the crying noise morphed to laughter as she lifted her head again. “Oh, god, this isn't how this conversation was ever supposed to go. I was supposed to say something impressive and erudite about science and then we'd, I don't know, talk about technological progress. Or hot girls or Formula One racing or something. I wasn't supposed to just freak out and tell you my life story. But seriously, do you _actually_ not believe in magic? Even with Bweeoop I'm A Huge Asshole prancing around all over the place?”

“Nope. All explainable by science. I'm impressed with your success on that one thing, but I'm pretty sure it's just a coincidence.”

“Hell of a string of coincidences, then. I'll show you my journal if you want. I have something like a seventy-five percent success rate.”

“Wait, you keep a journal of that sort of thing? Is it just a general diary or do you actually have details for replicability?”

“Exact date, day of the week, time of day, weather, moon phase and other astrological data, point in my, uh, menstrual cycle, main ritual title if I gave it one, all standard rituals performed and in what order, tools and symbols used, gods or other spirits invoked or evoked, and a precise description of everything said and done that was unique to that ritual, with reference to a tape recording if I did any of it stream of consciousness. Oh, and notes on results. It's five volumes long now. I've been keeping it since I was fifteen.”

“That's...actually really impressive. I'd like to see that some time.”

“My first teacher always told me that if you don't know how you did something the first time, you'll never be able to do it again right.”

“Very true. I've had that come back to bite me before. I still don't believe in magic, but you've made a strong case for why you do. So do you want any help with dinner?”

“...can you cook?”

“Pepper says no, but I say I'm learning pretty quickly.”

“I assume you can work a knife without burning anything.”

“Well, there was that one time, but yes.”

They sat in awkward silence for a few minutes while Carol started stacking up her other books, leaving out the cookbook and the comic she'd shown him. She reached to pick up the comic and then paused, going red again. “Um, I know this is probably a really weird inappropriate question, but...can I see it?”

His old self immediately provided several responses to that question, which he ignored. “'scuse me? See what?”

“Your...you know.” She gestured vaguely at her chest.

 _Breasts?_ “My...oh. That. The arc reactor. Sure.” He wasn't in one of his normal t-shirts, because Steve had always insisted that their spare sets of emergency clothes look at least vaguely respectable, so there were a few buttons to undo before it was visible. “This isn't going to get weird now, is it?”

Carol made a little “oh” noise and leaned forward, reaching out toward the arc reactor but not quite touching it. The blue glow lit up her face in a way that was honestly a little creepy, and her expression was something he could only really think of as “reverent.” He watched her as she stared at the thing embedded in his chest and suddenly, in a blinding moment of clarity, realized that maybe now he understood some of what had kept drawing Thor and his family back to Earth. _I should talk to him later. Maybe he'll have some suggestions for how to make this whole thing not completely awkward._

“I always thought it would be warm. I thought it would give off heat or something, but it doesn't. It's so bright. Does it hurt?”

“Not most of the time. Are you actually having a religious experience? Like, seriously? Because this is a little creepy for me.”

She jerked back. “Sorry. Sorry, I didn't mean to...I didn't want this to be weird. But I had to see it.”

“Don't worry about it. Can I borrow this comic?”

“Of course, sure, of course you can.” She looked around nervously and then got to her feet. “Anyway, dinner. If we're making jambalaya then we should get started now.”

 

\--

 

The jambalaya turned out fairly well, nothing was burned so much that it wasn't salvageable, and that evening they all gathered in the living room to watch _Shakespeare In Love_ , a movie that Tony remembered as having been fairly mediocre. It had gotten terrible reviews, at least, but as he'd gone to see it with a Finnish cross-country skier with platinum blonde hair and legs like Jessica Rabbit, he didn't actually remember much of the show. This world's version was immensely improved by the addition of a woman who looked and sounded _exactly_ like Pepper, and he found himself surprisingly engrossed, despite his occasional desire to punch the guy playing Shakespeare for feeling up his girlfriend.

He'd brought his new iPad thing into the living room with him to tinker with, and Carol's as well so that he could steal her bookmarks, but the movie kept him so occupied that he didn't think to get started until the credits were rolling. By then everyone else was getting ready for bed except Loki, who it seemed intended to sit up with his stack of new books, a notepad, and what looked like twenty-five pudding cups. Once it became obvious that that was the case Tony shrugged and settled down on the couch opposite him, setting his own new iPad on the end table to charge while he peeled back the cover on Carol's to start taking down the names of her news websites. To his surprise, he found that a note had been left there, in handwriting that he didn't recognize.

_If you get bored, you may find a great deal to interest you in the 'Fanfiction' folder._

Which sounded like Loki. He looked across the living room, but the other man ignored him.

“Huh.” He pulled up the browser and opened the bookmarks folder in question, and then the “Avengers” subfolder when he saw it. He knew about fanfiction, of course, but he'd never considered the possibility of stories containing him, which was actually a little surprising. If nothing else his ego had to be satisfied now. He scanned for a likely title to start with, and settled on something called “Tricks of the Trade.”

After a few minutes he was hooked. Horrified, and a little worried, but hooked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up: The rest of the Avengers discover fanfiction! Will Tony finally crack under the pressure of knowing that he's staying with a woman who thinks about him having gay sex? Is Thor allowed to find out that his fans want him to sleep with his brother? Doesn't Loki have a date today? Some of this and more in the next compelling chapter of “An Unplanned Vacation!”
> 
> **Useful Explanatory Notes!**
> 
> [Tricks of the Trade](http://archiveofourown.org/series/19850) is, of course, the series by the fabulous Like_A_Hurricane, and was selected both because it's good and because Tony and Loki start getting it on early enough in the story to freak Tony the fuck out. (I also considered using Hella's [Off the Record](http://archiveofourown.org/works/315889/chapters/507386), but decided it was a little too slow-burn for purposes of the joke.) _Shakespeare In Love_ , if you haven't seen it (see it! It's sexy!), stars the unbelievably gorgeous Gwyneth Paltrow, who of course doesn't exist in Marvel Cinematic because they've got Pepper instead.
> 
> Also, I haven't the faintest idea why the notes from Chapter 1 are displaying below this, so please do ignore them.


	4. Holding Pattern

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Much to Carol's dismay, the _rest_ of the Avengers discover fanfiction, and then start in on her comics collection and get even more creeped out. Also, Loki has a date today!

Shelly was the first one awake the next morning, padding down in her work uniform and grumbling as she started the coffee, but Carol was only a few minutes behind her. When the latter woman glanced into the living room, she was surprised to see Tony in there as well as Loki, sprawled ungracefully on the couch with her iPad—not his—on his stomach and his arc reactor glowing from underneath his partially-buttoned shirt. There was a scrap of paper on the floor next to him, and she picked it up and read it without thinking.

 

A moment later she was at Loki's side, jabbing him in the shoulder. “You little shit!”

 

He yawned and shifted, not opening his eyes. “What have I done now, pray tell?”

 

“I am going to murder you so hard your future incarnations will die.” She shoved the piece of paper into his hand.

 

“That doesn't seem at all fair to them. They haven't done anything to you.” Now, finally, he opened his eyes and glanced at the paper she'd handed him. “Oh, yes. That. I felt it was only fair to our dear friend Tony that he knew how much you...think of him.”

 

“You unmitigated ass. As soon as you've fixed this mess I'm going to kill you. Do you want breakfast or not?”

 

As soon as Loki and Carol had left the room Tony sat up carefully. He listened for a moment to be sure that they'd gotten to the kitchen and then got up himself and headed out to the hall, Carol's iPad in hand. He met Natasha on the stairs coming down. “Morning, Natasha. Wanna see something really weird?”

 

“What is it, Tony?”

 

“Porn.”

 

“Did you seriously stay up all night—”

 

“Starring me. Or rather us. All of us. In various combinations. Some of it's actually pretty good. Well-written, tasteful, that sort of thing. You should take a look.”

 

She stared at him for a moment and then took the iPad out of his hand and headed back up the stairs.

 

That having been accomplished, he headed for the kitchen, where Shelly was staring wordlessly into her coffee and Poptarts and Carol and Loki had a pad of paper and were arguing incomprehensibly over their bowls of Lucky Charms.

 

“Look, as epic as that has the potential to be where you're from, it doesn't work like that here—”

 

“It works like that everywhere, you obtuse woman, just because you're too _weak_ to—”

 

“Oh, don't you make this about _my_ problems, asshole, _you're_ the one who—”

 

He got a cup of coffee for himself and sat down next to Shelly. She looked up at him groggily. “Morning. I hate when she gets like this.”

 

“I do the same thing. Pep won't even eat breakfast with me anymore when Bruce is around.” At the sound of his voice Carol looked up sharply, and she immediately turned bright red. He shook his head. “I thought we got over this yesterday, the blushing thing. We had that nice talk, remember? No blushing. What are you two trying to figure out?”

 

“Oh, Iron Man, can _I_ touch your arc reactor—ow!”

 

“Um, power sources. It takes a lot of oomph to shunt seven people through a dimensional barrier. I'm not anywhere near Frosty's power level, his spine is still out of whack or whatever, and we don't really have the option of taking out another power line. Oh, and I'd rather not die. This isn't anything like what I've done before. Magic isn't fast here. You guys are all used to point, shoot, go home. That's not how things work in this world.”

 

Loki gave her a disgusted look. “ _Frosty?_ ”

 

“Yep. 'Frosty the Snowma~an was a big pain in my ass.'”

 

Tony laughed and almost lost his mouthful of coffee.

 

“Anyway, I have to go to work. So do you, Shelly.” She looked at Shelly pointedly, and the other woman groaned and drained the last of her mug of coffee. “I'm biking in again. My keys and the bug-out card are next to the phone with both of our work numbers. The van has a GPS. If you destroy the house I'll make your lives a living hell. Try not to make a mess. You all know where the food is.”

 

 

 

\--

 

 

 

Upstairs, Clint was suddenly wide awake in bed, much more awake than he'd planned on being for another hour or so. “Seriously? Porn? There's _porn_ about _us._ ”

 

“Not joking.” Natasha scanned the page she was on, looking amused.

 

“Show me.”

 

“Clint, do you really want to—”

 

“Nuh-uh. Pics or it didn't happen. Lemme see.” He grabbed the iPad from her and read what she'd been reading. “Ok, whoa, no, this is porn about _Tony_ , which is _not_ what I needed to wake up to. And...holy shit, Loki? That may be the creepiest thing I've seen in ages. Anyway you said _us._ Is there actually anything with me in it here?”

 

She took the iPad back for a moment to pull up another window and then handed it back to him.

 

“That's more like it wait what. Coulson?”

 

“It seems to be a very popular pairing.”

 

“Are any of these stories _not_ about gay sex?”

 

“Actually quite a lot of them, but Tony suggested starting with the sex ones.”

 

“Right, of course he did.” He stared at the screen for a moment longer and then sniggered. “Bet some of these have Bruce in them. Let's go wake him up.”

 

 

 

\--

 

 

 

The morning was mostly quiet, despite the growing sense of awkwardness as Carol's iPad was passed from hand to hand (carefully bypassing Steve). Tony and Bruce tinkered with the new tablet, Loki read and made notes, Steve and Thor sparred in the back yard, and Natasha and Clint managed to find a pair of archery butts in an outbuilding and spent the afternoon shooting and throwing knives. All of them (except Loki) came together for lunch at noon, which Bruce provided in the form of a monumental stack of grilled cheese sandwiches.

 

At around twelve-thirty they heard a car coming closer, and Natasha went to the front door to see a sporty blue convertible making its way up the drive. It took her a moment to remember why they might have visitors, but when it occurred to her, she turned and shouted into the house, “<Loki's date is here! Start speaking German!>”

 

She heard sounds of acknowledgment from various rooms, and a moment later there was a knock at the door. When she opened it, Bobby was standing on the steps, smiling nervously. “Uh, hi. I'm Bobby Clark? Luke and I were going out to lunch today.”

 

“Ja, I remember you from the store. You were very helpful.” She patted him on the shoulder, smiling, and quietly pushed a piece of Iron Man armor behind the door with her foot. “I'm Anna. Luke is still dressing, he takes more time with it than me. You want to come in and have some coffee while you wait?”

 

“Sure, that sounds great.” He wiped his feet carefully and stepped into the hall. “Wow, this place is huge. Are Shelly and Carol both at work?”

 

Steve wandered out of the living room, sketchpad in one hand, pen in the other, saw them at the doorway, and froze. “Um...<If you put down your guns and surrender you will be treated well.>”

 

“<It's ok, Steve. We'll only be a minute.>” Natasha gestured to Bobby, and Steve paused, then nodded, waved, and went back into the living room.

 

“Aw, man, your friend looks like Chris Evans. I wanna have his adopted babies.”

 

“That's oddly specific. Is that from something?”

 

Loki chose that minute to come down the stairs, doing up his cuffs as he walked. He waved lazily to Bobby. “I apologize for the delay. My brother mistook my cufflinks for earrings and put them in Anna's jewelry box.”

 

“And just what were you doing in my room, Luke?”

 

“Looking for my cufflinks, dear cousin.” He smiled.

 

Natasha turned back to Bobby. “I see there will be no time for coffee. If my moron cousin does anything to upset you, you tell me and I'll beat him up for you.”

 

“The merry widow just says that because she's still angry when I ran off to Paris with her first husband.” Loki slipped on his shoes and offered Bobby his arm. “It's good to see you again, Bobby. Shall we go?”

 

As soon as they reached the car Natasha shut the door, leaned back against it, and started to laugh so hard that it was almost entirely silent. Steve leaned out of the living room again. “Are they gone?”

 

“Put down your guns and surrender...”

 

“I said yesterday that I only knew a little German. Did you hear me at the store? I had to keep repeating dinner orders and nodding like I understood whatever Thor was saying.”

 

“Oh, Steve...” She wiped a tear from her eye and straightened up. “I can teach you some more, if you like.”

 

“No, that's all right. I think I'll get by.”

 

Back in the living room, Bruce and Tony had finally managed to get their iPad running Stark OS and hacked it to get free 3G, and it was time for a break. Bruce switched the television on and put on _Mythbusters_ for them to gripe at and then grabbed the iPad to look up biology articles, and Tony stretched out, resting his feet on Bruce's knees, and picked up the comic book he'd borrowed from Carol.

 

Clint wandered in with the last grilled cheese sandwich in hand and raised an eyebrow at them. “You two should just get gay married already. I'm sure Pep would understand. Seriously, I can't even handle how cute you are, I'm gonna vomit.”

 

In unison, they replied, “Shut up, Clint.”

 

“See? That's exactly what I mean! You heard them do that, right, Cap?” Clint waved a hand at Steve, who looked up from his drawing pad, shook his head, and looked back down. “Man, am I the only one paying attention to this shit? Where's Thor, anyway? We were gonna grab some beers and go read comics on the lawn.”

 

Again in unison, they said, “We don't know.”

 

“Shit, stop doing that! Just tell him to meet me outside if he comes in here.”

 

“Ok.”

 

After Tony had managed to get a few pages in, Thor arrived, grinning as he always did. “I am looking for Clint. We had planned to spend the afternoon enjoying the sun and reading this world's tales of our adventures.”

 

“He's waiting outside,” they said together.

 

“Excellent! Would you care to join us? The weather is most pleasant, and I see that you, Tony, have already found an adventure to enjoy.”

 

Tony thought about it. “...yeah, sure, why not. You coming, Bruce?”

 

“Sure, some fresh air would be nice.”

 

Natasha came in once the others had left. “Did they _all_ go to drink beer and read comics on the lawn?”

 

“Far as I can tell, yeah.” Steve smiled down at his sketchpad, where he was adding the finishing touches to a drawing of Peggy looking as he remembered seeing her first. “This is almost like a vacation for us. I don't begrudge them wanting to relax.”

 

“I guess. It is very pretty here.” Natasha stretched out on the couch Tony had vacated and flipped through the channels until she found a James Bond marathon. “How do you suppose everyone is doing at home?”

 

 

 

\--

 

 

 

_Meanwhile, on the SHIELD helicarrier..._

 

 

 

“Look, I understand that this is a situation none of us are very happy with, Cobie—Agent Hill, I mean—but if we're going to be held here then can we at least contact our lawyers?”

 

 

 

\--

 

 

 

Tony had to admit, lying on the grass with a cold beer in one hand and a comic in the other while a warm breeze blew across his face was a pretty ideal way to spend the afternoon. Or at least, it would have been had the comic he was reading not been so disturbing. By the time Carol came pedaling up the drive, he was feeling pretty unsettled. _Is this something that's going to happen? Some of it has already been...upsettingly accurate._ Next to him Thor was rumbling over something called _Journey Into Mystery_ , and on his other side Bruce had abandoned comics in favor of more biology articles. The only one who seemed to be genuinely enjoying himself was Clint, who had made the happy decision to ignore questions of what this world said about _them_ and was instead reading Batman.

 

“Hey, guys.” A shadow fell over his page, and he looked up to see Carol looking down at them. “I'm making lamb curry for dinner if that's ok with everyone. Are you doing research or something?”

 

“ _They_ are.” Clint took a swig of his beer. “ _I'm_ just having fun. I don't know who this Batman guy is, but he's fucking awesome.”

 

Thor had a dark frown on his face. “This tale concerns me.”

 

“Um, we can talk about it later if you like, maybe have sort of a what's-up pow-wow. You might want to read a few more first, though. Maybe Sunday evening would be good.”

 

Thor nodded. “That would be acceptable. We should discuss these stories.”

 

“Of course. Where's Loki? I want to talk to him.”

 

Bruce didn't look up from his article. “He's on a date.”

 

“Oh, right. Upsetting Shelly. Come to think of it they came into the bookstore, but I was stocking so I couldn't say hi. Anyway. Curry?”

 

At that Bruce finally looked up. “You know, you should let one of us cook some night. You've been doing a lot for us.”

 

She shrugged. “I like to cook. I have a lot of alone time normally, so honestly it's nice to have people around. Anyway, I'm heading in, come snag me when you want me to start on dinner.”

 

After she'd gone inside, Tony set his comic down and took a deep breath. Something about this world was very energizing. The sun seemed brighter. The air smelled better. More importantly, _he_ felt better, somehow stronger and smarter. His chest, which twinged occasionally on the best of days, hadn't even been giving him any trouble. “Hey, Thor.”

 

Thor set down his book. “Yes, my friend?”

 

“Does this place seem...unnaturally healthy to you?”

 

“Not at all, my friend!” The enormous blonde grinned at him. “This land of admirers is highly revitalizing. I have not felt this good in centuries.”

 

He frowned, sitting up on his elbows. “How do you mean, land of admirers?”

 

“When my family first began to visit Midgard we were hailed as gods, and we found that we could draw power and vitality from the worship we received. It is probably the same here, where we are admired above all and called heroes. The lady Carol's devotion to you is most likely a part of it. Her worship invigorates you.” Thor paused, staring off into the distance. “I wonder how my brother fares. I am concerned for his health particularly. Worship might do him good.”

 

“Well, if that's all he needs then when he gets back we'll get him on Tumblr.”

 

 

 

\--

 

 

 

Dinner was served almost as soon as Shelly got back and changed out of her work uniform. Once they'd gathered at the table, Steve said a quiet grace (which nobody else thought necessary, but they didn't want to upset him) and they began to pass around the serving dishes for curry, rice, and vegetables while Shelly spent a few minute grousing about a particularly bad customer.

 

Clint got through a few mouthfuls of curry in tense silence, but as soon as Shelly had finished her story he said, “Ok, I just can't not ask. How much porn of us _is_ there?”

 

Bruce let out an explosive breath. “Oh thank god. I didn't want to be the one to ask, but I repress so much on a daily basis...”

 

Carol had gone stock still in the middle of serving herself rice. She lowered the spoon slowly back into the dish and passed it to Thor nervously. “Um...yeah. Do you want a breakdown by format?”

 

There was a clatter as Clint dropped his fork. “What.”

 

“Basically there's a lot.”

 

Steve had turned a vivid shade of pink. “Look, this is hardly an appropriate subject for the dinner table.”

 

But Clint had regained his fork, and he gestured eloquently with it. “Is it _all_ gay?”

 

Steve frowned at him. “Clint! Why are we discussing this, anyway? Have I...missed something today?” Natasha leaned over and whispered something in his ear, and the pink in his cheeks darkened to red. “Oh. Oh my good lord...why is it that, in this day and age, taking care of my appearance somehow makes me homosexual?”

 

On his other side, Tony said, “Wait. Formats. Plural. Are there movies? Am I in them?”

 

“Well, uh...”

 

There was the sound of a car outside, and before Carol could formulate a proper answer Loki came striding into the dining room. He waved cheerfully to them, and Clint groaned. “And _speaking_ of gay sex...”

 

“Thank you, Agent Barton, my date went very well. Did you have a pleasant day?” Loki lowered himself into the empty chair between Carol and Bruce.

 

Shelly buried her face in her hands. “Oh my god can we not?”

 

Ignoring her, Carol held out an empty bowl. “Frosty wanna bowl of curry?”

 

“No thank you. I already ate,” although even as he said it he took the bowl from her and began to fill it with food. “Anyway, on the topic you were discussing when I arrived...”

 

Tony nodded. “Movies. Are there? With me?”

 

Carol was blushing again, as it seemed she spent a lot of time doing lately. “Well, um, yes, but the guy they got to play you is a really bad resemblance.”

 

“I think I'm actually disappointed. Are there others?”

 

Steve kicked his ankle under the table. “Tony!”

 

“...there's a Captain America one.”

 

There was a pregnant pause, and then Steve said, “I'm sorry, come again?”

 

At that Clint snorted into his glass of soda, and Tony patted Steve on the shoulder. “Wrong choice of words there, Cap.”

 

“...and Hulk.”

 

Everyone turned as one to look at Bruce, who sighed. “I feel like I should be surprised, but at this point I think I've lost the capacity. Dare I ask whether the star looks anything like me?”

 

“Not really. It's based on the old TV show, the one with Lou Ferrigno.”

 

He blinked, brow crinkling. “The bodybuilder?”

 

Thor, who had been eating contentedly throughout the entire conversation and was already on his second bowl of curry, suddenly said, “It seems odd to me that the tales I was shown by Natasha did not at any point feature me.”

 

Carol shifted awkwardly. “Actually, you're really popular, but most of the ones that have you in them are—” Natasha shot her a warning look, “um...really vanilla!”

 

“Vanilla? I do not understand.”

 

“Boring. Plain. They don't, uh, capture your majesty. I think a lot of the writers find you a little, um, intimidating.”

 

“And it's a nice save from the Psychic Friends Hotline!”

 

Carol glared at Clint, and Thor glanced over the top of Bruce's head at Loki. He frowned momentarily. “Brother, you look...different. Are you well?”

 

Loki, whose mouth was full of curry, rolled his eyes and did not respond.

 

Thor peered closer, then let out a shout of laughter and leaned over to clap Loki on the shoulder, causing the other man to swallow his mouthful convulsively. “Don't touch—”

 

“I thought so! The old medicine is always best, is it not, brother? I myself find this worshipful plane enormously revitalizing.”

 

Carol looked around, puzzled, and met Steve's eyes. “What are they talking about?”

 

“You know, I'm not sure.”

 

At that moment Shelly's phone rang. She extricated it from her pocket and checked the caller ID, which read “Bobby Pin.” “Shit. It's Bobby. Excuse me, everyone, I have to take this, I'll be right back.” She hurried out.

 

“Bobby?” Bruce frowned. “Isn't that the one who took Loki—”

 

Carol nodded. “That's him.”

 

Loki leaned back in his chair and smiled, and the table fell silent while, out in the hall, Shelly answered her phone call.

 

“Heya, Bobby-pin. How was your date? Tell me _everything._ ...really? That's great! ...of _course_ you took him there, where _else_ do you like to show people? ...oh my god you _didn't!_ It's a good thing nobody was there, you could've gotten in so much—what?” There was a longer pause, in which Bobby presumably said a lot, and then Shelly's voice came back sounded high and strained. “You _DID?_ Was...was it good?” A pause, and her voice dropped significantly. “You were safe, right?”

 

Everyone glanced at Loki, who looked smug and said nothing.

 

“He didn't hurt you, did he? Because if he did I'll break his legs, we're not having another incident like with Leo...hey, I get it, you're fine, you don't have to shout. As, as long as you're happy so am I. You _are_ my favorite cousin. ...seriously, though, if he even looks at you funny I'll put him in the hospital, I swear.”

 

Footsteps approached, and then Shelly reentered, still carrying her phone, which she handed to Loki. “He wants to talk to you.”

 

Loki took the phone and left the room, dropping into his German accent as he did. “Well, hello again. I'm delighted to hear from you so soon.”

 

Shelly sat back down, looking shell-shocked. Every set of eyes at the table turned to her, but she just shook her head and took a forkful of curry.

 

Dinner continued in strained silence for a few more minutes until Loki returned, left Shelly's phone next to her bowl, and sat back down, where he resumed eating as if nothing had happened. Everyone stared at him except Shelly, who got up quietly, picking up her empty bowl and bringing it to the sideboard.

 

Loki smiled brightly at everyone. “Well, I have to say that I'm feeling rejuvenated. Have you made any progress in your part of the research, Carol? I believe I may have a few—excuse me, is there a problem?”

 

Shelly had extracted a steak knife from the sideboard and was waving it at Loki menacingly. Natasha's camcorder seemed to materialize in her hand. Thor started to his feet, and Carol shrieked.

 

“Oh my god Shelly what are you _doing?_ ”

 

Bruce quietly excused himself.

 

“Bobby's last boyfriend broke his _arm._ If you hurt him I'm going to take you apart bone by bone!”

 

“You know, I don't believe you even know where my bones are.”

 

“According to Carol you have two hundred and six of them!”

 

Sighing, Loki leaned forward over the table, grabbed Shelly's wrist, and took the knife out of her hand in the manner of someone confiscating a dangerous toy from a child. “You are an extremely stupid woman, and by all rights I should kill you right now, if only to prevent you breeding more imbeciles. I'm not going to do that, because I'm surrounded by violent maniacs, but if you ever again get _near_ me with a knife I'll kill you and leave your body for the crows.”

 

Everyone stared as Shelly nodded slowly. “I'll still gut you if you hurt him.”

 

“Understood. Just don't go around waving knives at me; someone might be badly injured.” He let go of her wrist. “Excuse me, I think I'm going to go continue my reading.”

 

They all watched him go, Shelly rubbing at her wrist. Thor stepped forward and placed a hand on her shoulder. “Are you all right, Shelly? Did my brother hurt you?”

 

“Not really...”

 

“Threatening him was an unwise thing. He is...volatile.”

 

“Yeah, I got that.” She laughed weakly. “Do you think he'd actually kill me?”

 

Thor shrugged. “Probably. He doesn't like it when he is not the one with the knife. But he will not harm you if you do not harm him.”

 

“You make him sound like an irritable cat.”

 

The enormous blonde laughed. “That is an apt analogy.”

 

Loki spent the night in his preferred chair, as usual, but Shelly stayed in Carol's room anyway.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up: Eavesdropping ahoy as we listen in on who's saying what, and to whom. Man, hasn't anyone noticed that there are, like, seven popular actors missing? Is anyone going to get stabbed already? Is a Tony Stark-centric magical operation as sexy as we think? Most of this and so much more in the next fascinating chapter of “An Unplanned Vacation!”
> 
> **Useful Explanatory Notes!**
> 
> The, ah—well, Steve would call them “blue movies” that Carol mentions at dinner are Captain America XXX, The Incredible Hulk XXX, and Avengers XXX, all from Vivid Entertainment's Vivid Superheroes parody line (you may recognize the name; they did the pitch-perfect 60's Batman parody Batman XXX). The guy they got to play Tony in Avengers XXX really doesn't look a damn thing like RDJ, and apparently Thor gets busy with She-Hulk? I don't know, I haven't seen them (but yes, I did watch the Batman one).
> 
> Also, time for bonus porn again! If you'd like to learn, in extensive detail, exactly what Loki did on his date that made Shelly threaten to stab him, head on over to “Haunted,” the new chapter of “Tourist,” for another exciting bout of sex in semi-public places! (Is this a thing? Do I just write about sex in public buildings now?)


	5. Conversations Overheard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A series of conversational snippets--mostly overheard by Natasha, one assumes, since she does all the skulking around here. Carol finds out that actors are missing, Thor and Loki talk like it's old times again, and we get to see a magical invocation of the spirit of Tony Stark!

The house was woken by the sound of a clatter from the kitchen and Carol's shout. “Holy shit, Frosty, what the _fuck_ did you do?”

Startled awake, everyone rushed downstairs (excepting Shelly, who had already left for work). They all reached the door to the kitchen in time to hear Loki say, “In general, or are you referring to a specific incident?”

“The spell! The spell you were doing that made this whole mess! What was it?”

“Why do you ask?”

Natasha quietly poked her camcorder around the edge of the doorframe as Carol glared across the table at Loki.

“Well, I _finally_ got my iPad back after you freaks monopolizing it to Google yourselves and look at porn and the top story on my Flipboard is 'Avengers cast disappears'! On Topless Robot I've got 'Hunky Avengers guys disappear, fangirls threaten mass suicide,' Comics Alliance is _completely_ blowing up, and they all went poof when you guys showed up! What were you _doing?_ ”

“Oh, yes. That. It was a simple matter transposition spell. I was intending to switch places with something nearby of approximately the same shape and size as me, a department store mannequin or something equally ridiculous to punch. I presume my spell located these people because they were roughly equivalent to us. Although I think I'm rather better-looking than he is. He looks disgustingly contented with himself.”

“Oh my god...”

“Yes?”

“Not you, asshole. Are you going to be able to replicate the accident? Grab them and go back simultaneously?”

“Probably not, as I'm not entirely clear on how I pierced the dimensional barrier in the first place. Why? Should it concern me? It could be useful to have a body double, especially one already used to pretending to be me.”

“ _No!_ You do not get to _keep_ Tom Hiddleston, we need him here! He's a trained Shakespearean! He worked with Kenneth Branagh! There's another Thor movie coming up! And they've already got Whedon signed on to do the next Avengers...oh my god, I hope they just got picked up by the SHIELD helicarrier or something and didn't get kidnapped by villains who think they're you...”

“I suppose I could send them back once we return, presuming I am not immediately tackled by SHIELD agents.”

“Oh, you better, Frosty. I'm watching you.” She got up, pinching the bridge of her nose with her fingers. “Just don't go anywhere, ok? Were you planning on molesting Shelly's cousin some more today?”

“Not today, no.”

“Good. Fine. Just stay here, I'll come find you later, there's an spell I might try for inspiration and guidance that you should sit in for so we can talk. I need to go meditate.” She stalked out of the kitchen, barely acknowledging the cluster of Avengers in the hall. “I don't think I can handle a world without Scarlett Johansson...”

 

\--

 

Clint perched on the edge of the couch where Bruce sat stretched out, reading one of Carol's comics. “So. Shamrock Shake. You've been awfully quiet the past couple of days. Whadda you think of this place?”

Bruce looked up over the tops of his glasses. “Shamrock Shake?”

“What? They're green. Anyway, what do you think of this place? Kinda cool, right?”

“It's interesting. I don't know if I'd call it cool. Some of these comics are worrying.” He frowned down at the page. “I should call Jessica once we're home, see if she's all right.”

“Well, we're having that sit-down thing tomorrow to see if we can bring home details. Me, I'm loving it here. It feels good, y'know? The air feels good here. It's easy to see things.”

 

\--

 

A couple of hours later, having the kitchen to himself, Loki covered the table with papers and books and continued to read and make notes until Thor came in, got himself a bottle of organic cola, and sat down unasked. Loki ignored him until he began to speak.

“Why do you antagonize our hosts so, brother? They are kind-hearted girls, and have helped us greatly in this difficult situation.”

“Must you forever ask questions to which you already know the answers?” Loki did not look up from his notes. “I antagonize everyone. It's in my nature, just as it's in your nature to be loud and foolhardy. Besides, that Shelly creature is a blind idiot, almost dimmer than you, and Carol is blinkered by her mortal limitations and will not _listen_ to me. She is capable of doing far more to assist me than she thinks. My strength is returning, but if I cannot make her heed then we may be stuck here.”

“And your new familiar? The young man?”

“...familiar?”

Thor blushed faintly. “I could not think of what else to call him. I do not remember his name.”

“Bobby. His name is Bobby. He is a sweet fool. An innocent. Corrupting him is highly enjoyable, and it does much to strengthen me. It's pleasant to have the company of someone so...uncomplicated.” Loki frowned contemplatively at his papers. “Perhaps I will bring him back with me.”

“I do not think the people of Midgard will take that as lightly as they used to you. Do you recall Thialfi, brother? I do miss him sometimes. He was a good lad.”

“He was a headstrong idiot with a bottomless stomach. Much like you, actually. Anyway, a proper worshiper would do much to brighten my home.”

“Your home...where do you reside now, brother?”

“I have a house, in a place where I am not often disturbed. It has a lovely view.”

“...what did you _do_ with the boy that so upset the lady Shelly to hear?”

“I seduced him. What else?” Loki chuckled wickedly. “A _virgin_ sacrifice. On an unused bed in a museum, no less.

Thor laughed uproariously, slapping the table so hard that he almost disarranged Loki's papers. “A fine bit of mischief! It makes me miss old times.”

“I even got him to pray. I told him my true name, saying it was a nickname, and got him to shout it for all the world to hear.”

At this point Thor was laughing so hard that he knocked over his thankfully-empty bottle onto the floor, where it shattered loudly.

“I am seeing him again tomorrow. He has promised to cook for me, and then I think I'll do something else that will make Shelly want to stab me. You may want to hide the knives.”

Thor regained his breath, wheezing a few last chuckles. “I do not think she would actually stab you, brother.”

“Don't you? I wouldn't be so sure. She seemed sincere last night at dinner.”

“Brother, sometimes _I_ want to stab you. It is the effect you have on people. But she will not take it happily if you make off with her kin.”

“What will she be able to say to it? We will be far away, farther than she can reach. At least, without help. Come to think of it she might _find_ help. She reminds me of Amora. Single-minded.”

Thor shuddered. “No. Amora was frightening. Shelly is merely excitable.”

 

\--

 

Lunch had been a scrounged affair, and when Steve wandered in to the dining room looking for a quiet place to do some drawing he was surprised to find Natasha already there, tallying up a stack of receipts with a calculator as she typed into some form on Shelly's computer. “Afternoon, Natasha.”

“Steve.” She nodded to him, not looking up.

“Mind if I sit here? Clint and Bruce are watching _The Creature From The Black Lagoon_ in the living room, and you know how awkward it gets when they start talking about things being 'retro' around me.”

“Go ahead. Just don't disturb my papers.”

He pulled out a chair further down the table, set his sketchpad down, and began to cartoon idly as he thought. “What are you working on?”

“I'm putting together a Code 42-A form with this dimension's World Security Council.”

“Code 42-A?”

“Agents displaced in time or space, request for reimbursement, non-emergency. To get our host back the money she's spent on us.”

“Huh. I didn't know we had forms like that.”

“They gave me the code for the secure website after that incident with Dr. Richards.”

“That's...oddly convenient. Have you included an estimate for any undue strain placed on utilities usage here?”

“No, I asked Carol about that earlier. Her employers cover all utilities. The clothes and food, though, those were all her.”

For a few minutes Steve drew and Natasha typed, and then she smiled a tiny, satisfied smile and tapped the “enter” key with a certain finality. “All set for now. Next form.”

“What's the next form?”

“42-E. Agents displaced in time or space, incident explanation. To cover the missing actors. That I need to file ASAP.”

“They really do think of everything.”

 

\--

 

Shelly returned from work at half past three tired and grouchy and disappeared upstairs with what she said was a headache. Carol followed not long after, without explanation until Tony and Natasha were passing by Shelly's bedroom on a foray for more comics and heard voices coming from within. Natasha stopped to listen as a matter of course, and Tony stopped with her, intrigued, having never really worried much about eavesdropping.

“...have you been such a grouch lately, anyway? You're normally happier to have guests.”

“I _have_ a guest, Shelly. I have you. _Wow_ you're tense, you should have asked for a foot rub ages ago. This might pinch...anyway, the Avengers...and Loki...they're different. It's a different situation.”

“I don't see how except that they're _hot._ Especially Captain America. Steve. Man, do you think he might go—”

“No! No. Bad idea, Shelly. _Really_ bad idea.”

“Boo. Why? He's cute, he's polite, and I'm pretty sure he's single. Why not have some fun while they're here?”

“Shelly, you _cannot_ ask Captain America out. For one, I doubt he's actually single, he probably already knows Sharon Carter. What have you been standing on all day, rocks? More than that, though, if you do anything even _remotely_ romantic with him you'll probably get yourself killed.”

“I'm not _that_ clumsy, Carol. I think I can manage a dinner date without serious injury.”

“Not what I meant. Look, it's how comic books work. From the perspective of the Avengers we're both new characters with no superpowers, and that only ends one of three ways. We get powers—not likely, I think—or we could be forgotten, I guess. But what's most likely to happen, _especially_ if you get romantically or sexually involved with one of them, is that you'll die in some horrible way to provide a quick emotional gut punch to a mediocre story. Here, scooch forward, I'll do your neck too.”

“Wait, but doesn't that mean—oh my god, Bobby!”

“Relax. He's having sex with a supervillain, they don't need motivation. I'm pretty sure Loki's not a threat to anything except his maidenly virtue. _And_ he's a comic relief character, they never really die.”

“You think this is _funny?_ ” Shelly's voice rose in pitch sharply.

“ _No,_ I don't think it's funny, I said he's comic relief. _Readers_ think this sort of thing is funny. Well, not me, but a lot of them. Anyway, _please_ don't ask Steve out. I don't think I could handle it if you got killed.”

“...wow. You're really serious about this, aren't you? Why are you so worried about me?”

“Because I _love_ you, you moron.”

“Don't call me a—what? When did that happen?”

“Sophomore year of high school, when you were Audrey in _As You Like It._ ”

“But that's, like, eight years ago now. Why didn't you tell me before?”

“I...well, you don't like girls. I think.”

Outside the bedroom door, Tony was staring at Natasha, who nodded solemnly.

“Well.” Inside the room Shelly's voice was tinged with faint interest. “I think we're going to have to talk about that later.”

 

\--

 

After dinner Carol and Loki (with pen and notebook) and Natasha (with camcorder) gathered at the door to the basement. They talked quietly for a moment, and then Carol flagged down Tony, biting her lip nervously. “Um. Tony. Loki and I aren't really making any progress figuring out how to get you guys back to your world, I mean, he knows how to _move_ you, physically I mean, but we're not sure how to sort of target the right spot, metaphysically speaking, because his limbic system or inner ear or whatever is still all messed up, and I was going to do a repeat of that guidance spell I told you about and I thought you should know because I don't know if you're uncomfortable with it or what.”

“Whoa. Take a breath. Spell what now? Wait, you mean the one with me? I'm torn between interested and creeped out. Natasha's apparently taping it, can I watch? Scientific curiosity.”

“What, really? You wanna watch? It might be weird, though.”

“No, having your girlfriend reach into your chest cavity is weird. This is just new.”

“It's cute that she thinks she can do a real invocation. You'll be entertained.”

“Shut up, Frosty.”

“Oh, not you too.”

“What do you mean, _cute?_ ”

“A clever child is still a child.” Loki dodged Carol's kick and opened the door to the basement, smiling. “Shall we get to work?”

There was a large finished room in the basement, apparently some kind of rec room, in which a space had been already been cleared. In the center of the clear space was what Carol referred to as the altar, which to Tony looked disappointingly like a smallish, square-topped cabinet with a dark finish and no unusual markings. Carol gestured for Tony and Natasha to sit down on the couch against the wall and then began to rummage in the cabinet, from which she produced a wand, a dagger, and a shoebox which turned out to contain a D-cell battery, a plastic Iron Man mask, a tumbler, and a bottle of Scotch.

Loki raised an eyebrow at her. “No candles at all? I thought mortals _loved_ candles.”

“I don't travel with anything that could be used to start a fire. Liability prevention.”

“I see. You also eschew the use of a robe.”

“Robes are a hassle to pack. Tank top and yoga pants is easier.”

Tony peered at the bottle on the altar. “Are those supposed to represent me? I feel like I should be offended, it's not even good Scotch.”

“The last time I tried getting a decent bottle of Glenfiddich I ended up only getting to use it once. If I get cheap stuff I'm not tempted to nip in between rituals.”

“Ok, decent point.”

Loki had seated himself cross-legged on the floor next to the altar, his notebook balanced on one knee. “ _If_ we can get started.”

“Ok, ok.” Carol shook out her arms. “Let's do this.”

The first part of the ritual sounded like mumbo-jumbo to Tony, with a lot of dramatic arm-waving and tracing of symbols in the air with the knife from the altar. His scalp prickled a little bit when Carol declared the “circle” closed, but he put that down to atmosphere. She switched on a small stereo in the corner of the room, which started playing a Black Sabbath CD, turned down low, and that was interesting but not exciting. But then, of course, she said his name, which was one of the things that was always guaranteed to get his attention.

“I invoke you, Anthony Edward Stark, you who created the Iron Man, you who battled the Iron Monger and the Titanium Man, you who took up the Extremis...”

As she spoke she assumed a pose that at first looked strange, raised up slightly on her toes, arms out a bit from her sides with her hand pointing out, palms down. After a moment Tony realized that she was standing the way he stood when he was airborne in the suit. It was strange to see someone try to replicate it, not that this whole situation wasn't strange.

“Tony Stark, I require your guidance, and this is your sacrament.” She snatched the Scotch bottle from the altar, poured herself a shot, and downed it, and Tony coughed, startled to feel a burn in his own throat.

“Tony Stark, I require guidance, and energy is your gift.” She grabbed the battery and licked one end of it, shuddering as she did, and his mouth stung, although the battery did make a little more sense now.

“Tony Stark, I require guidance, and this is your face.” That was _definitely_ weird, seeing her pick up the plastic mask and put it on, and then there was a blinding pain in his head as she continued talking, her voice odd behind the mask. “I am Tony Stark, Iron Man. I am Tony Stark, maker of marvels. I am Tony Stark, man of Hephaestus. I am Tony Stark, hero...”

Tony's vision doubled for a moment, and then Carol stumbled back, a dark mark like a bruise appearing in the middle of her chest. Loki looked up at her with interest. “Hello, shade of Stark.”

“Hello, hi, hello, this is new, it didn't work like this before.” Carol pushed the mask up so that it sat on the top of her head, and her face had somehow changed. It was unnerving, like looking in some sort of gender-swapping funhouse mirror. “More oomph. More presence. Normally this body gives me some trouble.”

“Well, of course. These are unusual circumstances.” Loki gestured toward the couch.

Carol rolled her neck and began to drum absently on the mark on her chest with her fingers, and Tony stared at her, unable to keep from muttering, “Good god. I'm a woman.”

Beside him, Natasha had leaned forward with her camcorder, and she muttered in response, “Congratulations, Tony, you're a short, irritable lesbian.”

“Right, yes, that.” Carol looked around, and her eyes lit on Tony. “Hi. I'm me, you're also me. Enjoying the show?”

He nodded, staggered. “You're me. But shorter and with breasts. A short, female me. Which has always been a fantasy of mine. Well, not the short part, just the female me part. But I'm in a committed relationship, so unfortunately no to that.”

“Good choice, Tony.” Natasha patted him absently on the shoulder. “Because Pepper is going to see this video as soon as we get back.”

“Anyway.” Carol-Him whipped back around to face Loki. “Business time. I can't keep this up for too long, body's not strong enough, and she is _pushy_ , can I tell you. Anyway, targeting systems. Exciting new problems with targeting systems. Piercing the dimensional barrier.”

“Yes, that is the problem at hand.” Loki had taken up his pen, apparently prepared to make notes.

“ _She_ knows where you're going, right? The host? She knows where you want to go.”

“She does. We are aiming for the SHIELD helicarrier, where our equivalents are presumably located.”

“Use her. As a targeting system, I mean. She's decent at astral travel, she can get her mind there if you boost her. Dimensional barrier's just like a wall, it has weak points, clearly this town is one of them if you got here in the first place. Equal distance from all the supports, no reinforcements here, weakest spot on the wall. Boost her over to get a targeting image and then punch it. It's all just getting coordinates, you're good at travel anyway.”

“Interesting.” Loki was writing furiously. “I hadn't considered that, as she never mentioned having a facility for astral projection. Do you have any thoughts on how we got here?”

“You got scrambled. You tried to bring something to your location and bring _yourself_ to your location simultaneously, instead of moving yourself away and bringing something else here. Can't have two things in the same spot so you popped next door. Same _here_ , different dimensions. Dimension isn't the right word. Worlds. Universes. Something. Are we done? I itch. This body itches, bilocating is _not_ comfortable, how do you do this all the time?”

“Practice and training. Focus, shade. You have access to Carol's knowledge, but you're rather more intelligent than she is; is there any other advice you can provide?”

“You know, she's a lot smarter than you think she is, she just doesn't have the training. Anyway no. No more advice. Can I go now?”

Loki waved a hand dismissively. “Yes, yes. I grant you license to depart and so on and so forth.”

Carol sagged, the mark disappearing from her chest, and pulled the mask off completely. It fell on the alter with a plastic clatter and nearly knocked over the Scotch. “Oh, _ow..._ it didn't hurt like that before.”

“You weren't invoking someone in the same room as you before. End the ritual so we can talk.” Loki didn't look up, continuing to write.

Tony felt his scalp prickling again as Carol did some more mumbo-jumbo to take down whatever circle she'd put up. She stowed everything away under her altar except the bottle of Scotch, and when she'd finished she sat down on the floor and took a swig. “So did it work? Did we get anything useful?”

Tony raised his hand. “I thought it was creepy. How'd you know my middle name?”

“Comics. It's all in there. Anyway, Loki? Anything?”

“Why didn't you _tell_ me you could astrally project, you stupid woman?”

Carol blinked. “It's not something I do a lot, and I assumed you knew already. It's not like it's a specialized...shit. It's a specialized skill in Marvel Cinematic, isn't it? Not just basic training.” Loki was glaring at her so hard that for the first time since they'd all arrived in this world she looked genuinely upset, exhausted and wide-eyed as she was.

“You would have saved me a great deal of time and effort had you simply _mentioned_ it as a skill, you moronic creature. As it is, however, your invocation was surprisingly effective and solved our problem. I will be using your abilities as a targeting system, as you have a disturbingly detailed idea of where I am aiming for.”

“I'm sorry! How was I supposed to guess that it was special where you're from? It's basic training here! I'm not all-knowing!”

“Well, let it be a lesson to you. The next time you are dealing with a magical anomaly, explain _all_ your skills to those who are forced to put up with you.” Carol had burst into tears, and Loki sighed, producing a roll from thin air and handing it to her. “Eat this, little idiot, you're so pathetic I don't think I can even be angry at you. And I must say that I question the sanity of a world that views something as hazardous as astral projection as a basic skill. Anyway, the possession has drained you, and you need to eat. _I_ am going to go read in bed; I am still healing, and I have a date tomorrow evening. I need my beauty rest.” He unfolded, grabbing the altar to pull himself upright.

Red-eyed, Carol swallowed her bite of roll and then frowned at the rest--it was some kind of brown bread that she  _knew_ she hadn't bought. “Wait. You just did magic to get this. And you're going out tomorrow. Are you sure you should be exerting yourself when you're still healing neurological damage?”

Tony frowned. “Neurological? Nobody ever mentioned neurological damage, I thought you'd just run out of magic. Like blood loss or something.”

Loki sighed again. “To a certain extent that is an appropriate analogy, but the electrical shock to my spinal cord also severely inhibited my ability to _access_ my powers. The...endorphin release...I receive from going on these dates is assisting my body's natural ability to regrow damaged nerves.”

Carol wrinkled her nose, sniffling. “Oh, eww, I did _not_ need to think about you releasing endorphins with Shelly's cousin. Just...eww.”

“Anyway, not all of the damage I sustained came from my encounter with the power line. Some of it was the result of you oafs landing on me. Although,” and now he smiled, and waved at Natasha's camcorder, “the view from beneath the merry widow was _very_ enjoyable.”

“I can and will stab you.”

“Not without risking your chances of getting home, my dear. Good night, everyone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up: It's a fabulous Cassandra party as the Avengers order pizza and grill Carol about her brain full of comics trivia! What will they learn about what's to come in their world? Are they going to completely lose their shit? Loki's going on another date? Find everything you need in the world and more in the next unexpectedly short chapter of “An Unplanned Vacation!”
> 
> **Useful Explanatory Notes!**
> 
> For the dangerous results of dating superheroes, check out the TV Tropes article on “Stuffed In The Fridge.”
> 
> On invocations: The results of Carol's invocation of Tony Stark is not actually atypical; many modern practitioners of magic have reported resounding success with them. People in whom deities are invoked often display changes in face, voice, and behavior, and converse knowledgeably on subjects they don't necessarily know about during invocation—they also often don't remember what they said afterward. The spell's effects on Tony, however, I of course had to make up, since I don't know how that might actually go. (Also if you're a practitioner yourself and decide to actually write the rest of that invocation and use it, please do let me know; I'd love to hear about your results.)
> 
> Astral projection is indeed a commonly taught skill in modern magical practice, as you'll see if you hit the New Age section of your local bookstore and flip through a few books on magical instruction. It's not, however, especially common in the Marvel Universe—you do get to see Loki do it, or things like it, but it's actually mostly a Dr. Strange thing.


	6. Fighting the Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Loki off on yet _another_ date, the Avengers and their hosts order pizza and settle down to get really creeped out watching movies about themselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is really short. Like, weirdly so. Do please bear with me, though: it _is_ fun, and tomorrow's will be a party!

By the next morning everyone was itching to go home. There had been no action for their entire stay, apart from the one brief, abortive scuffle on the lawn, and somehow it didn't sit right; the world they were in was too quiet for them to handle. The only shocking or unusual thing to happen before noon was Loki approaching Carol to apologize tersely for yelling at her, which was, admittedly, so bizarre that when he heard it Clint almost broke a third finger falling from his perch on one of the kitchen chairs.

In response, as she helped Clint to his feet while Loki stood a safe distance away, Carol said, “You know, I hate to say it, but I might actually miss having you around. It's nice to meet people who understand what I'm talking about.”

“I wish I could say the same,” Loki said, but his smile was not entirely mean when he said it. “Come on, stupid girl, we still have to finalize the structure of our ritual. Assuming all goes well tonight, I should be almost entirely healed by tomorrow morning, and we will be able to leave in the afternoon.”

“ _Eww._ Don't make me think about you having sex.”

“Why not?” he said as they headed for the living room, Clint staring after them horrified. “You certainly have enough stories about it bookmarked.”

“Yeah, but now I've _met_ you.”

Excited by the prospect of returning home the next day, Clint hurried around to tell the others and ended up roped into helping Steve do their laundry.

Shelly returned from work at five, and Bobby arrived half an hour later to pick up Loki as the others argued about pizza toppings for their “movies with us in them and comic book trivia” night. The two men dodged Shelly, who swore a bit and caught Bobby to stuff a condom in his pocket before he hurried out the door.

“Just be careful, ok?”

“Shelly, it's just dinner, it's not like we're eloping or anything. I'll text you if I need you. Night!”

Everyone gathered in the living room after the pizzas had been ordered, Carol sitting on an ottoman in front of them as she had the day they'd arrived. She drew her knees up to her chest. “So. I know a bunch of stuff. What do you want to know?”

The Avengers looked at each other, and then Natasha said, “What do you know about me?”

“Your full name is Natalia Alianovna Romanova. You were born in Stalingrad, but your parents died in a fire and you were saved by a man named Ivan Petrovitch, who trained you as a secret agent. You received additional training from Soviet agent alias Winter Solider, real name James Barnes, and defected from the KGB when you met and began a relationship with Clint Barton, alias Hawkeye—”

“Wait. Wait, stop.” Steve was staring at her. “Bucky?”

“Bucky. He's not dead. He was rescued by the Soviets, who gave him a cybernetic arm to replace the one he lost in the fall and brainwashed him. You'll probably see him soon. He's in your next movie.”

Tony was frowning darkly. “Tell me about Extremis.”

“They're doing that one for your next. You read the book, you know what happens, I don't know how they'll change it for the movie. Thor's next movie is about Svartalfheim and the attack on Earth by Malekith the Accursed, lord of the Svartalfar.”

Thor rumbled. “The Svartalfar are dead, and their land is a waste.”

“No. He wants to bring them back.”

The doorbell rang.

“Pizza's here. Gimme a minute. Or, wait, Thor. Come help me, there _are_ six.”

When they came back with the pizzas Carol turned on the television. “Movie time. Iron Man first, because that was the first real Marvel Cinematic movie and we're going to do this in order. Parts of this might be difficult to watch, Tony. Just ask me whatever you want.”

She sat down on the couch and started the movie, and Clint jabbed her with an elbow. “What about me?”

“You're an orphan from Waverly, Iowa, you have a brother named Barney with whom you joined the circus, and you were trained in archery by a man named Jacques Duquesne, later the Swordsman. Natasha tried to turn you to work for her, but that didn't work out and you fell in love. In the comics, at least, you later got married, not to her, but to Bobbi Morse, who calls herself Mockingbird, who's sort of like Natasha but with a stick.”

“Huh. Married. I sort of like that.”

Later, Bruce came with her to get sodas, and in the kitchen he said, “Who's She-Hulk?”

“Your cousin Jessica. She remains in her Hulk form most of the time, but retains all of her intelligence and articulacy. As a character she's mainly known for being weirdly aware of her fictional nature.”

“I'm sure she'll be thrilled. ...what's Planet Hulk? I saw that one, but I'm not sure I really want the details.”

“Long story short, the Other Guy does Spartacus in space. You're mostly not involved. It's probably too weird to happen in your timeline anyway. Where do you suppose Loki's gotten to? I thought he was going to be back by ten thirty.”

“We probably don't want to know.”

Thor hmm'ed ominously through the entirety of his own movie, looking increasingly worried as it progressed, though he didn't ask Carol any questions. “I will need to speak to my brother of this. I had not truly understood how upset he was.”

By the time they reached _Captain America_ , most of the pizza had gone and Shelly had fallen asleep on Steve's shoulder. He helped Carol carry her upstairs to her room, saying that a lot of the movie was too painful to watch. “Who do you think we'll meet next?”

“Spider-man. You'll like him, he's sweet, but I can't tell you his real name. Hank Pym and Janet Van Dyne—that's Ant-Man...Giantman...whatever, and the Wasp. Maybe the Guardians of the Galaxy, Rocket Raccoon and them, but probably not any time soon. I'd like to see Dr. Strange, but I don't know that he'll _ever_ show up. Oh! And almost definitely Black Panther. He's _so_ cool. You'll like him a lot.”

The last film of the night, though they were all yawning, was Carol's pirated copy of _Avengers_ , shown because Tony had jury-rigged his Stark-iPad through the TV, and they all watched and laughed at different times, because nobody thought the same two things were funny. At some moments, though, they were all silent, and as the stinger scene rolled, Bruce said, “Who's that?”

“...that's Thanos.” Carol stared at the floor, hugging her knees. “That's your next big fight. It's too much to explain, too late at night. I'll give you my copy of _Infinity Gauntlet_ , I can get another.”

They started getting up to go to bed, but Carol jumped to her feet and hurried over to rummage in one of the boxes in the corner of the room. She came back holding two comic books, one of which she gave to Bruce and the other of which she held out, a Sharpie in her other hand. The book she held out was called _Avengers Assemble_ , and she sniffed hard, apparently holding back tears. “Autograph time. You're leaving tomorrow—well, this afternoon, I guess—and it's not really the right roster, but I'm not letting you get away without autographs.”

Everyone signed her comic, and as they were heading upstairs she snagged Tony and shyly handed him her plastic Iron Man mask, and he signed that too, right across the forehead, and patted her on the shoulder. “Thanks for all your help, Carol. You've been the strangest hostess ever, and I respect that.”

She giggled and hugged him. “You're such a freak. It was really great to get to meet you.”

“You too. If I ever need a female me I'll see if I can get in touch.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up: The Avengers head home! Will they manage to get to the right place? Is Nick Fury just going to shoot them on sight? Does Loki actually manage to kidnap Tom Hiddleston? Because that would be totally hot. All of this, and also doughnuts, in the next unbearably delightful chapter of “An Unplanned Vacation!”
> 
>  
> 
> **Useful Explanatory Notes!**
> 
>  
> 
> Wow, that was short. Not too many notes, either; it's all pretty self-explanatory. However, because I know you want it, there is of course more bonus porn, this time with more plot than usual! To hear about Loki's own encounter with the actual Marvel movies, and the sexy aftermath of said encounter, check out "Devotion," the final chapter of [Tourist](http://archiveofourown.org/works/527795/chapters/934690)!


	7. Leavetakings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Avengers (and Loki) finally head back to their own universe, get reamed out by Nick Fury for disappearing for so long, and have a couple of interesting encounters with the actors who play them.

Nobody woke up until half past ten the next morning, when Loki arrived looked excessively pleased with himself and, unexpectedly, bearing several dozen doughnuts. Specifically, nobody woke up until the house was shaken by a bellow of, “THOR, IF YOU DO NOT WAKE UP IMMEDIATELY I WILL EAT ALL THE STRAWBERRY DOUGHNUTS.”

Which had Thor out of bed and downstairs right away, the others stumbling after him in whatever clothing they'd slept in. Loki was already leaning back in one of the chairs, his feet up on the table, a half-eaten doughnut in one hand.

Bruce immediately started to make coffee, his uncombed hair an impressive cloud around his head. “Did you need to be so loud? You almost woke up the Other Guy instead of me.”

“I'm in a good mood and I like to shout. Today I will be going back to our own world, and I will be rid of this wretched place and its irritating inactivity forever.” Loki finished his doughnut, took another one, and ate it in two bites.

“So I take it your date went well again.” Tony grabbed a doughnut and sat down.

“I broke a man's arm, ate a delicious dinner, watched a _terrible_ movie, and spent the remainder of the evening—”

“Stop! Shut up shut up shut up! I don't want to hear it!” Shelly threw a spoonful of Cheerios at him, which he dodged most of, but when he opened his mouth to yell she said, “Nuh-uh! Spoon! You didn't say anything about spoons! I can threaten you with a spoon all I like!”

“True.” He ate another doughnut. “In any case it will be good to go home. I've even definitely decided to bring you all back with me.”

Thor frowned around his mouthful and said, in a muffled voice, “Wath there effer any doubt, broffer?”

“Don't talk with your mouth full, Thor, what would your...our mother say if she saw you? Anyway, I will admit I considered stranding you all here, but without the Avengers life would be _boring._ I suspect that if I left you I might actually come to miss you.”

This time Thor waited to swallow his food. “But this is excellent news, brother! Perhaps you would care to join us in our battle against the forces of evil?”

“ _No,_ Thor, that would _also_ be boring. When have I ever engaged in unnecessary heroics? Except for that one time. Besides, where would you all be without me to make your lives exciting?”

Natasha was watching him suspiciously. “What movie did you watch?”

“Oh, just some piece of hack cinema about a large oaf and his much smarter brother. It wasn't very good, but it made some interesting points.”

Everyone ate and drank their coffee in groggy silence, and then Steve sat up straight and cleared his throat. “All right, everyone. Loki, Carol, when are we leaving?”

“Five-thirty.” Carol stared into her coffee. “Be in the basement at five-thirty.”

“Sounds good. Everyone, as soon as we're done with breakfast we need to start packing. Carol's kindly given us a couple of extra duffel bags to put our things in, and when everything's packed we start cleaning. We're leaving this house sparkling.”

Clint groaned. “Aw, Dad, do we have to?”

“Remember what I said earlier,” and Steve was grinning now. “I won't have anyone saying that the Avengers make bad house guests.”

Tony picked up on it and chimed in with, “But I wanna play video games!”

“Not until you've helped clean, young man.”

 

\--

 

For the rest of the afternoon the house was a bustle of activity as they located and packed all their things, old and new, and Steve coerced the others into helping him vacuum, dust, and otherwise straighten. Carol and Shelly, both by some absurd coincidence having the day off, did some cleaning and then occupied themselves creating one final vast meal of chicken wings and cheddar biscuits. Glancing into the kitchen at one point as she went to get the last load of laundry, Natasha was pleased to see their hosts kissing with some passion over a bowl of biscuit dough. “At least that's taken care of.”

They stacked the bags in the hallway, put on their various armors and uniforms, and gathered in the dining room for a last meal in this strange world, and once Steve had said the grace he always insisted on, Tony stood and said, “Toasts! I propose a toast. To unexpected vacations!”

They raised their glasses to that, and then Thor stood and said, “To our hostesses and the fine table they set!”

Glasses clinked, and Bruce said quietly, “To preparing for the future.”

That drew a murmur of agreement, and then as everyone was planning to sit, Clint grinned and said, “To _really_ disturbing porn!”

“Clint!”

“What? We all saw it. It was funny. I'm toasting the porn.”

Steve buried his face in his hands as the others toasted, “To porn!”

Loki began to stand, evading Carol's attempts to grab his elbow. “To flirtation, and its enjoyable outcomes.”

Shelly sputtered into her drink and gestured at him threateningly with a chicken wing, and Clint dug out his phone to check the final scores on their game of the other day. “You still lost, Frosty. Thor beat you by two.”

When the food was all gone and the plates had been cleared, they got their bags gathered in the basement, where Shelly hugged everyone except Loki and then took a seat just outside the ritual space. “I'll miss you all. It was nice having you visit. Except you, Loki.”

“Rest assured, my dear Shelly, I am just as happy to be out of your company as you are to be out of mine.”

“All right, everyone, be quiet for a minute. Shelly, stay back, I don't want you to get caught.” Carol raised the circle and then sat cross-legged with her back to the altar, shutting her eyes. “Frosty's going to be targeting the transport through me, so I'll be coming with you briefly so he can get your actors back here.”

Steve nodded, then realized she couldn't see him and said, “What do we need to do?”

“Just stay still and say nothing. If you interrupt me it may be unpleasant.” Loki sat down irreverently on the altar itself, placing a hand on top of Carol's head. “Now, stupid girl...Carol,” he corrected, rolling his eyes at Thor and Steve's disapproving looks, “Are we ready to begin?”

“Ready as I'll ever be, Frosty.”

“Good.” His fingers sparked green. “Go forth in spirit and find me the SHIELD helicarrier.”

 

\--

 

_On the SHIELD helicarrier..._

 

The only warning anyone on the flight deck had that something was about to happen was the abrupt screeching of ever detection instrument they had, a moment before the air on the command platform began to shimmer green and gold. Everyone who carried a sidearm was on their feet in an instant, pointing it at the shimmer as Fury, Coulson, and Maria Hill hurried in from where they had been discussing what to do with their baffling prisoners. Fury grabbed the nearest unarmed agent. “Agent O'Grady, what's going on here?”

“We're not sure, Director Fury, sir, everything started going off at once and then—”

The shimmer wavered and then seemed to solidify, and abruptly it was gone, leaving in its place the Avengers, arrayed in a circle around Loki and a seated woman dressed, incongruously, in an Alice Cooper t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. She was the first one to speak, saying, “Ooh, hey, I felt something! Are we there?”

Nobody lowered their weapons as Fury shouted, “And where the _hell_ have you people been, exactly?”

The seated woman's eyes snapped open, and she jumped to her feet. “We made it! Hooray! ...oh my god, wait, I'm not dressed properly for this!”

Steve stepped down off the command platform, holding up his hands. “Afternoon, Director Fury. How long have we been gone?”

“Almost a _week_ now, I've had a cell full of confused people who look like you and _no Avengers!_ Where have you been, who is this girl, and why is Loki with you? Speaking of which, men, arrest him.”

Several agents moved forward, and Thor stepped in front of Loki as Tony said, “Wait, don't do that, don't arrest him.”

“Why, Stark, you _do_ care. And here I thought it was just the fanfiction.”

“Hush up, Frosty. Fury, the basic situation is that Frosty the Snowman here had a little magical accident and sent us all to an alternate dimension.”

“And it took you a week to get back because...?”

“Damage to Loki. Nerve damage. You saw the downed power line, right? Hulk threw him into that.”

Fury nodded slowly, gesturing to the agents to stand down. “And _she_ is?”

“This is our fine hostess, the lady Carol Baker!” Thor boomed. “Without her we would have been without food or lodgings.”

Another slow nod. “Ms. Baker. Are you a government agent of some kind?”

“Um, no sir, I'm a bookstore clerk. In my world you're all, um, comic book characters.” She smiled nervously, and then bowed as she had when the Avengers (and Loki) first arrived in her home. “The people you're holding are actors who play them in movies, we need them back so they can make more movies.”

A third, final nod. “I see. You'll have to forgive me if I don't exactly believe you.”

“According to the comics, when you fought in World War II, your companions in the Howling Commandos were Dum Dum Dugan, Izzy Cohen, Gabriel Jones, Dino Manelli, Rebel Ralston, Junior Juniper, Pinky Pinkerton, and eventually Eric Koenig. You dated a woman named Pamela Hawley, who died in a bombing raid, and your extended lifespan and good health are due to a substance called—”

“All right, thank you, Miss Baker, I believe you now.”

“Ok, good. Anyway you can't arrest Loki because I need him to send my actors back.” She swayed dizzily on her feet. “Um, Agent Coulson, can I give you a hug? You're my favorite character now after I had to babysit these lunatics for a week, as soon as I get home I'm going to buy a taser and name it after you, I'll have 'Phil' engraved on it and everything.”

She took a step, stumbled, and fell, and Loki caught her. “You'll have to excuse her. As you can see there isn't much of her, even for a mortal, and the magic we have done today has taken rather a toll on her already-weak mind.”

Carol swatted at his arm, giggling. “You're a jerk, Frosty. I'm fine.”

“You will be fine eventually. Right now you are noticeably weakened, and we have more work to do today.”

Fury turned to Steve. “Is all this true, Rogers?”

“It is, sir. We read some of the comics ourselves.”

Bruce dug in the duffel bag he carried and pulled out the copy of _Infinity Gauntlet_ that Carol had given him. “Ah, I actually brought one back. I think we have some things to talk about once everything is sorted.”

Most of the Avengers declined to meet their otherworld counterparts, saying that even after all they'd been through, it would be a little too weird. Fury and Maria Hill went with them to the debriefing room, while Coulson escorted Tony, Loki, and Carol to the holding cell. Carol, still loopy from the transport spell, continued to babble for most of the walk, and finally succeeded in hugging Coulson just as they reached the detention block of the helicarrier. Luckily he took it with the calm good grace with which he took most things, disentangling himself and unlocking the door. “Afternoon, everyone. You have visitors.”

One of the small group of people seated on the floor of the cell stood up and walked straight over to Tony. “Ok, I must be having some kind of episode, because you're me.”

“No, I'm Tony Stark. You're Robert Downey, Jr., you pretend to be me. Big fan, though, I saw a couple of your other movies. Good work on Sherlock Holmes, and that _Tropic Thunder_ thing was a blast.”

“Thanks. And likewise. I'm a big fan of yours too.”

“Thanks. I should go, though, I just wanted to say hi, I have a debriefing to get to, Carol will explain everything.” Tony nodded to the others and then left to head to the debriefing.

Carol, however, didn't seem at all prepared to explain anything; she was staring open-mouthed at the small crowd of actors who were now standing up and stretching. “Um...oh my god...uh, Ms. Johansson, hi, I loved you in _Girl With A Pearl Earring..._ ”

“Thank you, that's very sweet of you to say.”

Carol sighed, starry-eyed.

Loki strode forward into the room, seizing one man's chin in order to force his face into the light. “You know, looking at you, you _would_ make an excellent body double. Dye and straighten your hair properly, put you in the right outfit, and you'd fool even Heimdall. I _should_ do that, it would be wonderfully confusing.”

“Ah—”

_“Loki!”_ Carol grabbed his arm, pulling him away. “You can't do that, we talked about that, he's got a ton of stuff he's working on! I'm _so_ sorry, Mr. Hiddleston, he's such a jerk sometimes. All the time, actually, it's been like having my brother around but times a million and with magic. Anyway, hi everyone, I'm Carol, I'm really sorry about the mess here, it's _his_ fault, we're here to take you all back to Earth.”

“Is there anything you need me for, Miss Baker?”

She whipped around, startled. “Oh, right, Agent Coulson. No, thanks, you actually might want to leave and shut the door, you don't want to get dragged back with us.” Behind her, Loki was peremptorily herding the group of still-confused actors into a circle and muttering irritably about the many uses of a good non-magical body double. “Thanks so much for making sure they didn't get killed by supervillains or anything before we could get them back.”

“Quite all right, Miss Baker.” Coulson stepped out of the room, shutting the door behind him.

“What do you want us to do?”

Loki rolled his eyes and repeated what he'd said to Steve earlier. “Just stand still and say nothing, Mr...Evans, I presume? Do not interrupt me; that would not go well.” Carol sat down on the floor at his feet and he placed his hand on her head again. “Go forth in spirit and find me your basement, Carol.”

 

\--

 

Shelly was on the phone when they reappeared in the basement, so she didn't look up to see that Loki appeared only briefly and then winked away again. She hung up the phone just as Carol opened the circle and let out a brief scream of frustration. “Aargh!”

“Is there a problem, Miss?”

She whipped around, saw who had spoken, and glared. “Your...your clone or evil twin or _whatever_ kidnapped my cousin! Probably for diabolical reasons!”

Carol blinked. “Shelly, I'm pretty sure it's just for—”

“Diabolical sex reasons! I just got off the phone with Aunt Lorraine, she said she got a call from Mr. Hayward because Bobby didn't show up to work today and he's not answering his phone!”

“Look, Shelly, I'm sorry Loki ran off with your cousin, but we have _guests._ ” Carol gestured emphatically to the crowd she stood in front of. “My basement is full of critically-acclaimed actors and I need you to help me out here.”

“Yes, actually, if I could borrow a phone to get in touch with my agent and let someone know I'm in...where, exactly?”

“Oh! Um. Flashkill, New York, Mr. Hemsworth, sir, and of course you can borrow my phone.” Carol laughed nervously. “Let's all, uh, go upstairs and I'll cook something while you're all making your phone calls.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up: Hey, look! An epilogue!
> 
> **Useful Explanatory Notes!**
> 
> The Agent O'Grady that Fury yells at is of course Eric O'Grady, the main character of _Irredeemable Ant-Man_ and a favorite of my fiancé's—also probably the one who was playing Galaga on the bridge. The thought of Tony Stark watching _Tropic Thunder_ makes me giggle.


	8. Epilogue: Ripped From Today's Headlines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's an epilogue! Hooray!

Topless Robot, toplessrobot.com:

 

“Avengers Actors Found, Fangirls Riot In Streets”

 

Comics Alliance, comicsalliance.com:

 

“Marvel Breathes A Sigh Of Relief As Missing Avengers Stars Resurface In Upstate New York”

 

The New York Times:

 

“'Just an unplanned vacation,' Chris Evans says”

 

Star Weekly:

 

STEAMY AVENGERS LOVE NEST FOUND IN NEW YORK

Their Drug-Filled Orgies! Their Underage Sex Slave!

Young man missing, locals say he was sacrificed in black magic ritual led by sexy Satanist Scarlett Johansson

 

Carol stared in disbelief at the tabloid on the dinner table. The “underage sex slave”—actually Shelly, blinking in the sudden light of flashbulbs and looking, admittedly, rather less than twenty-four—stared up at her from the front page. Next to the tabloid was the letter she'd received at her post office box, containing an unexpectedly large check and a letter on government letterhead.

“Dear Ms. Baker, Thank you for your helpfulness and tact in recent unusual events. Enclosed is a non-taxable reimbursement for expenses incurred while assisting government agents displaced in time and/or space...”

She couldn't tear her eyes away from the tabloid, just kept staring at it until, suddenly, her phone rang, and she didn't recognize the number. She picked it up warily, hoping it wasn't a reporter.

“Um, hello? ...oh! Oh, hi, Mr., Mr. Ruffalo, it's good to hear from you. ...what? ...I do Tarot readings occasionally, why do you ask? ...of _course_ I'd love to read your cards!”

 

And a few months later, on the cover of Bust:

 

Carol Baker: Fortune-Teller To The Stars! Her girlfriend, aspiring stage siren Shelly Delany, tells us everything!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up: Is there a sequel? (Hint: YES)


End file.
